I’m currently conducting a survey with men (or husbands) that asks, What makes opening up and confessing to a mate or girlfriend so difficult? I only have a small number who’ve responded so far, but the answers to this one question have revealed a glaringly apparent fear of rejection. The sad fact is that sometimes a spouse or offender will not only reject us, but will use our confessions against us.

Truly confession can feel like handing your angry mate a loaded gun, all the while you’ve got a bulls-eye painted on your chest.

Um, no, thank you!

But in my experience, this has been almost always a hollow threat that has only rattled around in my brain for as long as it has, because I’ve written and added to the “story in my head.” And it’s almost always a story of “fiction.”

Here’s what I’ve experienced more times than not whenever I’ve confessed—not just to my mate, but to others as well . . .

Benefit 1: It drew me closer to the one I confessed to.

Now, I’m not talking about a sarcastic, “Well, I’m sorry that you feel that way!” kind of confession. Instead, more like one that humbly drops any denial or pretentious act, causing a gracious ripple effect of defenses being dropped by the one being confessed to.

Benefit 2: It opened my spouse’s or offender’s heart to look at themselves.

You know how it feels. Someone humbly apologizes to you, and you immediately fall all over yourself apologizing for your part in the conflict. That kind of breakthrough is like a bulldozer aimed at your and your spouse’s walls of self-protection. Am I right?? Uh . . . yessirree, Bob, I’m right!

Benefit 3: It brought not only relief from a burden, but a freedom that is priceless and irreplaceable.

No more pretending, posing, hiding, or carrying the accompanying shame that brings a whole host of other maladies like depression, anxieties, and addictions, just to name a few.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” James 5:16 (NIV)

To me, there is a difference here between “relief from a burden and the accompanying freedom” (which is great, by the way!), when compared with “healing” because . . .

Benefit 4: Healing is deeper and more lasting.

It is the work our Lord does in our hearts, while relief and freedom are the blessed emotions and experiences that flow from that work.

Maybe I haven’t fully convinced you. Maybe you’re in a marriage that is so contemptuous or dead that confession seems like a crazy and foolhardy choice. I hear ya!

That’s why I’m going to help prepare you with a step-by-step process. Next week, I’ll be talking about how to effectively and concisely confess and apologize. As the weeks go on, I’ll share when and when not to confess, how to handle a failed confession, and what to do when a confession is used against you. There’s just so much ground to cover, and I’d love for you to walk it with me!

What “stories of fiction” have you told yourself—fueling your fear of confession?

What is your biggest fear or hindrance to creating a confessional culture in your marriage?

If you are a man in any kind of relationship, I’d LOVE IT if you’d participate in the survey I mentioned on Openness. And if you know of a man who has not taken the survey, please share this link. It’s only 8 multiple choice questions that will take him about 5 minutes and his identity will not be known—but his answers will help so much! Thanks!