7 Tips for Cleaning Up a Boring Sex Life in Marriage

Boring Sex Life - This post by Sheila Gregoire offers 7 tips for cleaning up and fixing a boring sex life. Click to read how! #boringsex #marriedsex #messymarriage #sexinmarriage #spiceupsexlife #sloppysex

Today I’m thrilled to have author and marriage blogger Sheila Gregoire as my guest in the “Spring Clean Your Marriage series. See her bio below to find out more about her, as well as where to connect with her on social media. 

We’ve all been there. Whether you are in a hectic season of life, juggling new job, adjusting to a new baby, or just experiencing a slow drift, it’s easy for couples to wind up in a sexual rut.

(If you think I’m lying … I wrote about how my husband and I realized we were drifting apart while I was running a large marriage blog in my book 9 Thoughts that can Change your MarriageIt truly is a universal issue!)

So what do you do to correct course when sex has gotten boring in your marriage?

Boring Sex Life - This post by Sheila Gregoire offers 7 tips for cleaning up and fixing a boring sex life. Click to read how! #boringsex #marriedsex #messymarriage #sexinmarriage #spiceupsexlife #sloppysex

I’ve got 7 tips to help you “clean up” and rediscover how fun sex can be!

1. Focus on Your Friendship

Sex is intimate and frankly, nobody wants to have sex with someone they don’t particularly like right now! So make time to be a couple.

It’s really easy to get into a habit of crashing in separate rooms, watching Netflix on your own every night. But I want to challenge you to do better than that!

Find a two-player board game to play, go on walks together, or just spend time chatting while you clean up dinner. If you’re looking for a new hobby to try together, I put together of 79 different hobby ideas that are great for couples. There’s bound to be at least one that would be a good fit for you!

By working on your friendship, you start to rebuild the foundation of a great sex life: intimacy and trust. So start doing stuff together again!

[bctt tweet=”Discover two games to rebuild your friendship connection in marriage and clean up a boring sex life at messymarriage.com! @SheilaGregoire #SpringCleanYourMarriage ” username=”BethSteffaniak”]

2. Have Sex Regularly

Make sex a priority by literally making it a priority! Now, I’m not saying just have obligation sex—obligation sex doesn’t have the enthusiasm or energy that love-making is supposed to have. It’s perfectly fine to say no to sex if you’re not feeling up to it.

However, making the decision to initiate more frequently and to switch your mindset so you get excited for intimacy can make more frequent sex very enjoyable.

If you’re having trouble getting into that mindset or seeing sex as fun at all, I created an e-course to help women boost their libido. You can check it out here!

[bctt tweet=”Need help boosting your libido? Head to messymarriage.com to learn about Sheila Gregoire’s e-course that will help you with that issue! #SpringCleanYourMarriage #boostlibido” username=”BethSteffaniak”]

3. Tell Yourself Positive Things about Sex throughout the Day

There’s a world of difference between thinking, “Well, I guess I have to have sex with him tonight,” and thinking, “Tonight we’re going to have sex, baby!” Remember—whatever we think about expands in our minds. So if you’re thinking positively about sex, you’ll feel more positive about it, too.

So think about how much fun you’ll have in the bedroom (and also the amazing sleep you get afterwards!). Think about how you’ll feel empowered—you can bring so much pleasure to each other. And sending a few flirty text messages never hurts, either!

4. Talk about Why it’s been Hard to Connect

Many couples find it easy to get really talking while on a long drive, a long walk, or if you have conversation starters handy. Be intentional about communicating what has been hard and why.

Keith and I regularly speak at Family Life Canada’s Weekend Getaway marriage conferences, and they can be a great fit for couples who would like a guided tour through their marriage.

Here’s the thing: sex is really important. So if scheduling or stress is in the way, then work together to get rid of those barriers to sex!

5. Look out for Damaging Messages You’ve Internalized

There’s a really horrible idea out there in the Christian world right now: that if a woman fails to have enough sex with her husband, he’s got so much pent-up sexual energy that he’ll cheat and she’ll be partly to blame. That’s hogwash.

But it’s a really common message women hear and it can affect us deeply.

I’ve heard many stories from women who have sex with their husbands out of fear that if they don’t he’ll cheat. That isn’t what your husband wants you to be feeling when you make love and it certainly isn’t God’s best for you or your marriage.

If sex isn’t appealing to you, ask yourself—”Am I believing something about sex that isn’t true?” And if you are, replace it with truth.

6. Remember that Sex is for Both of You

It’s also really important, if you’re tired of the way sex has been for you, that you make sure to seek the pleasure of BOTH partners. It’s really easy for sex to be defined as “intercourse ending in male orgasm” but we need to see the woman’s pleasure as integral to the whole, as well.

If you’d like help figuring out how to get sex to feel good, check out my Boost Your Libido course for more information on how to get sex to feel good even if your libido seems to have hit rock bottom!

7. Realize You are Making Choices

Simply put: doing nothing is a choice. It doesn’t feel that way, but it is. Sometimes you need to have some time to unwind, relax, and chill. At other times, you need to do the work to intentionally connect with your mate.

If you aren’t connecting with your spouse, then that’s something that needs to be fixed! You can make choices that will help your marriage get better.

There you have it—7 ways to help make sex less boring!

I want to let you know, too, that if low libido has been a problem in your marriage for some time now and you are feeling discouraged, it doesn’t need to stay that way!

I created my e-course Boost Your Libido to help wives understand how their sex drives work and how to bring desire back to their marriages. If you’re looking for some encouragement, I highly recommend you check it out!

I hope you have fun trying out these ideas! Let me know what you thought of these tips in the comments!

Sheila Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature “Girl Talk” about sex and marriage. She’s written 8 books about sex and marriage and is a wonderful blogger at tolovehonorandvaccum.com. Connect with Sheila here: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.


Which of the seven tips intrigues you the most, and why?


What tip would you add to the seven amazing tips Sheila has shared today?


Be sure to join me next week in the “Spring Clean Your Marriage” series, when Angel Penn will be sharing how to clean up and avoid disrespecting your spouse to others. I hope you’ll join us then! Check out the graphic below to discover the other fine bloggers joining me in this series!

Spring Clean Marriage - In this blog series, you'll discover ways to clean your marriage and attitude toward your spouse. Click to find out more! #messymarriage #springclean #springcleanyourmarriage #newattitude #marriageconflicts

Here are some other lovely linkups I join – Inspire Me MondayKingdom BloggersLiterary Musing MondaysTea and Word TuesdayPurposeful FaithTell His StoryRecharge WednesdayPorch Stories Linkup, Welcome Heart, Worth Beyond Rubies WednesdaySitting Among FriendsDestination InspirationTune in ThursdayHeart EncouragementGrace and Truth Faith and Friends Faith on Fire FridayFresh Market Friday, and DanceWithJesusFriday


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I am a member of the Amazon Associates Program, as well as Sheila Gregoire’s “Boost Your Libido” course. So please be advised that this post and website contain affiliate links that earn an advertising and referral commission for me, if and when you make a purchase through various links found on site.

However, this comes with no extra cost to you and will not increase the price you pay for any items you decide to purchase. It is simply a way for me to earn some support for the ministry expenses of this blog. Thank you in advance!


30 responses to “7 Tips for Cleaning Up a Boring Sex Life in Marriage”

  1. This was such a helpful post. Gave me a lot of things to consider❤


    1. Thanks for coming by and reading Sheila’s wise and informative post, Lora! I’m glad it gave you food for thought!


  2. “Doing nothing is a choice.” -> absolutely true and so wise!


    1. Yes, isn’t that the truth, Michele! Thanks for coming by and cheering Sheila on, as well as joining the “saucy” conversation! Lol!


  3. Excellent, practical tips! Focusing on your friendship is absolutely key, and I’m glad you made it the first point. It’s foundational to all the rest.


    1. Yes, indeed, Jana! Friendship is so important to keeping our passion alive in marriage, and kindling it as well. Thanks for coming by to support Sheila and me! Hugs to you!


  4. Sheila,
    Great article! I love the list of things to do together to build the bond of friendship. My husband and I recently took two cooking classes together which was fun and we like to do even simple things together like go to the Farmer’s Market and browse around and then get a coffee and fresh pastry to share. Also, since we are both morning people. Our intimate evenings are few and far between because we are both tired, but morning?? that’s a different story 🙂 Sunshine can be just as fun as candlelight.


    1. I’m so glad to hear about all the ways you keep the fires of passion stoked in your marriage, Bev! My hubby, Gary, and I do special things weekly too. We even have a Farmer’s Market that opens up on Saturday mornings here in our quaint little Illinois town. And I really like that you’ve been intentional to choose the best time to be intimate. Waiting till the end of the day is hard for most people. We’re certainly not our freshest then! Thanks for joining the conversation and supporting Sheila today! Hugs to you, my friend!


  5. (My first attempt to comment apparently got lost, so I am trying again…please forgive if I am duplicating.)

    Excellent post, an the tips are SO much on the mark. You’v done a lot to help couples, with this, and with the ‘itemized’ approach.

    Too late for me, I’m afraid, what with terminal illness, and mistakes along the way…

    It’s not that sex ‘got’ boring;
    it really always was,
    and just a touch annoying,
    like belly-button fuzz.
    Not that she wasn’t willing;
    ’twas I with not a clue,
    for with mates I’d be chillin’
    having ‘better things to do’.
    I never learned to love the cuddles;
    I’d rather climb a rock,
    drive my jeep through muddy puddles
    or just be me, a jock.
    At the end of an admitted foolish life
    I’m just darned glad to have a wife.


    1. No problem, Andrew. Actually the first one went through as well and I deleted it, instead of this second one. But I’m grateful for your persistence. With my new firewall, commenting isn’t as straightforward as it used to be.

      I love the line … “just be me, a jock.” How apt and funny! You have a way with words, my friend! Thank you for always spinning out another poem on the fly! Hugs and prayers for you and Barbara!


  6. Great tips, Sheila! My husband and I work at the same school (he’s the principal, and I’m a teacher), so your tip to invest in our friendship is a good one. We need to be more intentional about hobbies and activities that have nothing to do with work :).


    1. Yes, wasn’t that such a great tip, Anita! Sheila really knows her stuff! I’m grateful for her wisdom in this area, as well as her vulnerability about such a touchy subject! Thanks for coming by, my friend! Here’s to creating more and more times for our friendships in marriage to blossom and grow!


  7. I love these honest and practical tips! I’ve found it important to be willing to change depending on the season of our life. As we have teens now (who stay up as late as me!) we find we need to shift and be open to different scheduling 😉


    1. That’s another great tip, Rebecca! I do think we need to pay attention to the transitions we make in marriage. They can throw us for a curve and then we grow apart. I hope you do find ways to reconnect with your husband, my friend! This could be the reminder that gets you back on track! Thanks for stopping by and joining the conversation, my friend!


  8. This is such a helpful post, thank you!


    1. I’m glad you came by, Julie, and equally glad it encouraged you in your marriage!


  9. Great tips. I find number one so important. There is always something to do, but giving our mate some time and attention is so important. Bev is right on in her comment. We need to be willing to do it at different times. I had a friend who used to say, “You can say you don’t want sex because you have a headache, but once you start having sex, you usually find the headache much better.”


    1. I know, Theresa! Isn’t that truth! Always something that will get in the way, unless we are intentional about reconnecting in friendship and times of intimacy. I think your friend’s advice is so wise! Yes, sex certainly is a stress reducer in all sorts of ways! Thanks for stopping by and joining the conversation, my friend!


  10. Great tips Sheila! Big eye opener for me was, “Doing nothing is a choice.” That is so true in many areas of our marriages! So much to come back to and get encouragement and great tips of how to build sex life to the next level. Thank you!!


    1. Yes, isn’t that a great one, Carmen?! Thank you for stopping by and encouraging both Sheila and me!


  11. #7.

    Ain’t that the truth … in more ways than one.


    1. I guess #7 is true of all of life, but none more relevant than in our sex lives, Linda! Thanks for stopping by and joining the conversation!


  12. Such great, honest and practical tips to help in this very important part of marriage. It’s not something I ever struggled with much until my illness got worse but my husband also has some chronic pain issues as well so we just kinda have to wait until a day we both feel decent and we’re like yes we want to! 😂 But in all seriousness, the down time in this area has made us strengthen in other areas.


    1. You bring up a good point, April. Chronic illnesses can wreak havoc on our sex lives in marriage. I certainly struggle since I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. Most days I’m fine. But it certainly makes it harder to find the right time to make love. And I’m so glad you put in more effort in other areas of your marriage. That’s exactly the right thing to do! Thank you for adding that thought and coming by to encourage! Hugs to you, my friend!


  13. Wow, talk about having the privilege of a powerhouse blogger share on your site. And about this topic of all things. 🙂 You go girl. xoxo


  14. What wonderful, do-able tips! The very beginning hooked me in. 🙂 “Nobody wants to have sex with someone they don’t particularly like right now!” That’s definitely true for me; if my husband and I have had a disagreement, sex is the last thing on my mind. ha.


  15. Helpful tips! Visiting you today from the welcome heart link up. laurensparks.net


  16. Wow! What fun, helpful tips. I love how Shiela writes that she has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! 🙂


  17. This is a GREAT post! So many great tips and I can’t wait to hop over and check out the list of hobby ideas! 🙂


  18. Beth, thanks for taking on this important topic!


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