I’m returning to our series on forgiveness this week by highlighting how to make amends, as well as, how to determine if the amends are being fulfilled. I’m taking much of what I’m going to discuss from Beyond Boundaries—a great book for anyone seeking to rebuild a damaged relationship and it’s currently bargain priced for $1.49 through CBD!

Amends are about demonstrating “authentic transformation” so that we can trust the other person again and potentially reconcile. I’m going to address this from the viewpoint of the one who is requiring the amends and for the sake of simplicity, making the one who is making the amends a “he.”

John Townsend says there are four key evidences for “authentic transformation” …

• Confession – Amends-Maker {or “AM”} is sincere and specific about how he hurt you.
• Ownership – AM is clear on what changes he will make.
• Remorse – AM clearly demonstrates and communicates sincere sorrow and grief over the hurts inflicted.
• Changed Behavior – evidenced through the following three areas …

 

1. Change in Targeted Behaviors – the AM is ceasing the targeted or offending behaviors and replacing them with positive, healthy behaviors. In order for this to occur there must be a true “change of heart” not just behavior. Ask yourself: What evidence do I see in the AM, that he fully “understands the changes” he must make? and How accepting does the AM seem to be to do what it takes to change?

2. Change in Behaviors that Drive More Change – Often a behavior is difficult to immediately change, due to various factors. But you will want to see evidence that your AM is taking the need for change seriously by making proactive choices. In other words, is the AM finding ways to support the needed changes like, enlisting and staying connected with an accountability partner, going to counseling, reading books on a related topic, etc.?

3. Sustained Change – This is the ultimate goal of amends-making. You will want to see the changed behavior become the rule rather than the exception.* We often get in a hurry either to see change or to make change. But changed behaviors are strengthened over time and with practice, so determine a realistic expectation and time-frame when accessing this. {It should look more like 6 to 12 or more months at a minimum, than 6 to 12 weeks, by the way!}

Dr. Townsend gives some key times to observe and access this change …

• When the AM is under stress.
• When the two of you disagree.
• When the AM is with his family.
• When the AM is tired.
• When YOU are under stress or tired—how does the AM handle this?

 

Dr. Townsend gives a bottom line that I believe is crucial …

“You don’t just want to see improvement. You want to see transformation.”

 

If that’s true, then we must turn to God to be the power behind our changed behavior—both in the requiring and the making of amends!

What is your biggest fear or question regarding requiring amends?

What/Who has helped you to gain clarity on making or requiring amends?

*Always seek objective help when working to determine and monitor any amends for major offenses or abusive behaviors. A counselor is absolutely critical in many situations involving the rebuilding of trust.

Click on this link if you’d like to read the previous post in this forgiveness series – When a Boundary Conversation Fails.

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