Today we’re continuing in our forgiveness series, debunking the myth –

“If I forgive, I’m letting my offender off the hook of responsibility.”

Like most myths this one has both falsehood and truth.

Let’s start with the truth …
In Jesus’ parable of the “Unmerciful Servant” in Matthew 18:21-35, Christ’s example of forgiveness is illustrated by the offended one {“the King,” who represents Christ} being willing to let go of any punishment or repayment by the offender—absorbing the loss and paying the cost.

So the truth is that forgiving someone costs us something, especially since our offender may not be able to repay us or undo the damage. (I’ll unpack the issue of amends, losses and reconciliation in weeks to come.*) Thankfully, true forgiveness doesn’t hinge on receiving repayment. Some losses must be surrendered to our faithful and redeeming Lord and left at that.

Furthermore, when we forgive someone, we’re making an agreement with God to leave the matter at His feet for Him to convict, discipline or even punish our offender (Deut. 32:35a, Rom. 12:19). We may or may not even tell our offender about our decision to forgive, especially if our offender, or our relationship with our offender, might be harmed by this knowledge.*

Now to the falsehood of this myth …
Asking for our offender to take responsibility is “incongruent” with and even invalidates our forgiveness of our offender.

There’s a deeply theological Greek word for this – Bologna! {wink, wink}

Again, in Jesus’ parable in Matthew, we see “repayment” or amends being made {when it can be made} as an example of the offender’s sincerity and true contriteness.

But even though it’s a demonstration of “sincerity” by our offender, it’s never something we should demand. And it’s certainly not necessary for us to do our part—forgiving and releasing our offender to Christ.

Asking {not demanding} our offender to “take responsibility” comes as we attempt to reconcile. In fact, asking for this may be {and often is} what’s necessary for the health and rebuilding of our relationship with our offender, but is not necessary for forgiveness.

Ultimately, reconciliation requires our offender to “take responsibility” {to make amends where possible and respect our boundaries moving forward}.

Forgiveness accepts the loss and extends mercy and grace to the offender.

Forgiveness is for our heart’s sake, our uninterrupted communion with God, and also helps to heal our relationship with our offender. But forgiveness is not based upon whether our offender takes or responsibility or not. When that’s our expectation in order to forgive, it becomes codependency or enmeshment. Instead forgiveness should be our sacrificial response to God’s command.

Bottom line –

Forgiveness doesn’t need reconciliation or our offender’s willingness to “take responsibility” to be complete, but “reconciliation” is built upon the foundation of forgiveness.

Do you agree or disagree? What parts don’t add up for you?

What other misconceptions or hesitations do you have about letting your offender “off the hook” when forgiving?

This is #11 in our forgiveness series. Click the link to access #10 – Does Forgiving Say It Was Okay?

* I will be addressing these particular issues in posts to follow in this forgiveness series.

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Joining with  Works for Me Wednesday, To Love Honor and Vacuum, Whimsical Wednesday and Wholehearted Wednesday

Now it’s time  for Wedded Wednesday!

WW rules:

Write in any way you feel inspired about marriage, parenthood or anything that is spiritually encouraging.

1. Enter in a permalink directly to your “blog post” and not the main URL to your blog.
2. Be sure to include a link to “Wedded Wednesday” or add the WW button (code is in MM’s footer) to your current blog post and/or sidebar.
3. Visit and comment on at least one other person’s blog that’s linked up here.
4. Please no offensive or inappropriate content or sexually explicit images!

Optional but encouraged:

1. Consider setting up your Gravatar profile and Disqus Profile with a link to your blog … it makes it so much easier for all of us to find those of you who blog!
2. If you have the time, visit those who visit your blog and comment at their place as well … sort of a “Say it forward.”

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