January’s “Share Your Story” is by, Shannon Little
She and Brian actually were divorced from each other for a few years and remarried 9 years ago.
They have two sons, Cameron (13) and Caden (8).
She lives by the mantra … balance mind, body, spirit.
The depth of my “messy marriage” at times has felt insurmountable. Our troubles stem from depression and hurts from my husband’s childhood that have not been healed. It’s hard to imagine the man I love and adore was once a scared little boy that lived in constant fear of his father’s anger and disapproval.
Some of the stories that my husband’s shared in counseling have evoked feelings of hatred in me of his father, and downright sadness knowing that he had to endure this pain as a child.
I’m the daughter of an alcoholic father and overbearing mother. There were no boundaries in our house. No matter how mad or upset you were, it was perfectly OK to lash out and hurt others.
My husband’s home was very different. Having an alcoholic father and very passive mother, no matter how mad or upset you were, you DID NOT talk about your feelings because they do not matter.
|by Eddi van W.|
My husband is being treated for depression now. Having been treated for depression in “my” past, I knew that we could get through this. Depression is an ugly disease. It takes a person’s energy, their willpower, their motivation, to name a few.
For the last year and a half we’ve been seeing a marriage counselor once a week or every two weeks. Communication is our big struggle. Natural defenses were built up and my husband’s defense is to shut down. If a person’s feelings or emotions are not validated as a child, they won’t be able to share them as an adult. Likewise, they also don’t know how to handle other’s emotions.
My greatest desire is to honor God and my husband in my marriage—this meant loving someone who at times seemed unlovable …
Forgiving someone, who at times, I thought, did not deserve forgiveness.
I remain focused on guarding my heart and mind from negative influences (That even means well intentioned “friends”). I actually prayed to God and asked him on MANY occasions …
“When can I give up? I can’t do this anymore. How long do I have to suffer? Can I give up now?”
And every time, His only answer was not yet. I just kept asking for the strength and understanding to persevere.
Finally after a year and a half of loneliness and rejection, God gave me a different answer. His answer was NOT divorce … but that it would be best for my husband to leave the house. It was a very clear answer to me.
It took all the courage and strength I had but I told my husband that he would need to leave our home. The emotional roller coaster was affecting our kids negatively and we all needed the ride to stop. After 5 weeks of being separated my husband is back home and we are continuing our journey.
My husband is active in a recovery group at our church, Metro. A recent series of messages called, “God, Brokenness and Glue” could not have come at a better time in our lives. Through his group at church, my husband is learning that there are a lot of other men in this world that had horrible things happen to them growing up. And as we move together through this healing process, it is one step forward, two steps back, quite often.
But with God as our anchor we can weather this storm.
And as I tell my husband, I know we can get back to the mountaintop again.
And there’s no one else I’d rather be standing there with than him