I’m hooked on the TV show “The Good Doctor.” Part of its appeal for me is the way Freddie Highmore’s character—as a surgeon with autism—is so extremely honest. He cannot pretend he feels a certain way when he doesn’t like most of us can and often do daily. 😉 Although this can get him in trouble, most of his coworkers trust him implicitly because of his no-holds-barred honesty.

This illustrates what’s “good” about holding ourselves to this God-commanded standard in life. We need honesty and integrity so that others will trust us. Naturally, these choices help us become trustworthy spouses.

That’s why it’s important to identify some common reasons for why we fail to be honest, dependable, and trustworthy. First, when we know these reasons, we can understand our mate’s failures better, being better able to show them compassion in those fails as well. Second, armed with this knowledge, we can identify our own sinful motivations, helping us to resist them when the heat is on.

4 Good (understandable) Reasons for the Bad Choice of being Dishonest

1. Fear of being rejected or causing conflict.
2. Don’t want to disappoint or let your mate down.
3. Want to avoid hurting your mate’s feelings.
4. Don’t recognize it in yourself—“in denial.”

Reasons for being undependable are less straightforward or understandable. That’s because undependability typically stems from selfishness. But being dependable is just as important to building trustworthiness in marriage as honesty is.

How Trustworthy and Honest Are You?

(Click here to download the inventory.)

Hover over each Scripture to see where the questions spring from—scoring yourself using this grid: 1 never; 2 rarely; 3 sometimes; 4 often; 5 very often. 

1. I’m careful to keep my spouse’s confidences unless my spouse has given me permission to share for a good reason (Prov. 11:13).

When my husband tells me a secret, I keep this boundary in place, so I’ve rated myself a 5 here. However, anyone who knows Gary, knows how open he is! Whenever I feel a compelling reason for sharing his secret with trusted friends or family, Gary almost always gives me permission to do so.

If you’ve not guarded your spouse’s secrets, your spouse might stop sharing them with you. This can quickly lead to resentment and disconnection in no time.

2. My spouse would say that I can be trusted to do what I promise, following through on what I say I will do in a timely way (Luke 16:10a).

I gave myself a 5 here. It might sound like I’m bragging, but I’m really not! I’m just a very conscientious person. The credit goes to God for wiring me this way!

You, on the other hand, might not be wired this way. If not, it’s time to call in accountability to strengthen your resolve. Nothing helps quite like a trusted friend to hold your feet to the fire! #hurtsogood

3. I’m honest, forthcoming, and transparent with my spouse and others (Prov. 12:22).

Sadly, this one hasn’t always been a strong-suit for me. My husband started early in our marriage “holding my feet to the fire,” which changed my “I’m fine” answers to honest ones. In time, this helped me to be more than just forthcoming. It helped me to learn to confess and live in humble transparency. So I give myself a 4 here, with room to improve.

If you’ve been dishonest, this one can be a real dealbreaker in your marriage. We’re to not only get naked with our mates physically but to get naked emotionally and spiritually as well! 😉

4. I’m careful not to complain about or mock my spouse behind his/her back (Titus 3:1a-2).

Sadly, I’m a 3 on this. Not only have I complained to my good friends about my husband at times, but I’ve also given myself permission to joke about him—mocking him behind his back. 😦 It’s quite the ugly confession to make and a horrible habit that I’ve justified because … “It’s only a joke!” Well, the joke’s on me!

If you do this, it could be your way of lessening the pain you’re feeling—passive-aggressively blowing off steam. Though it might give you some relief, it’s the absolute worst way to respond to your disappointment or anger.

5. I’m willing to respectfully confront my spouse on his/her damaging behaviors, in order to bring healing to our relationship (Prov. 27:6).

This one is BIG in my marriage, so I’m probably a 5 here. One of our core marriage values is honest accountability, because of the healing it provides. It’s like getting that relational “splinter out.” Hurts for a moment, but feels so much better moving forward!

Perhaps you’re afraid to confront for fear of hurting your spouse. That simply means you need to learn how to move toward this respectfully and courageously. God’s word, prayer, and accountability are crucial for preparing for this task!

6. I invite my spouse to be just as honest with me as I am with him/her, knowing this is how we can grow closer and stronger (Prov. 24:26).

Because my husband and I are convinced that confession brings us closer, we do this a LOT, which also means I’m probably a 5 here.

If you’re hesitant to confess, be vulnerable, or apologize, you’re missing the opportunity to, in a sense, “kiss” your mate (see Prov. 24:26).

7. I’m careful to guard my thoughts—focusing on what is true, right, and pure—knowing this will protect my heart and marriage (Phil. 4:8).

This one’s not very strong for me, like maybe a 3, since I let my mind dwell on the negative more than I should.

If you’re doing that as well, you’re playing with fire—the fires of resentment, that is. And that can lead, like playing with fire, to so many other destructive outcomes!

8. My spouse would say that my life and what I say are consistent, reflecting a desire to pursue and honor God (Isaiah 29:13a).

I really struggled to nail this one down for myself. But I’d say I’m a 3, since I do try to reflect this desire a LOT, though I often fail because of selfishness and pride.

If you’re struggling here, you might be underestimating God’s power or not relying on Him enough—or both! Are you moody, insecure, or easily disappointed? These all point to having a misaligned dependence on self, rather than on God!

9. If I neglect to keep a promise I’ve made, I quickly admit this, apologize and work to make it right (Lev. 5:4-5).

This is rather strong for me—maybe even a 5. This reflects the commitment my spouse and I both have to quickly confess our sins to each other.

If you struggle here, reflect back on what I mentioned above are reasons why we deceive. Then ask God to help you find a way to bring Him the glory instead of remaining locked in these unhealthy patterns. Click the link to read Deb Wolf’s amazing post on bringing God glory for more on this idea.

10. I work hard at thinking before I speak, making sure that what I say about or to my spouse is not only honest but also builds him/her up (Eph. 4:29).

This one is fairly strong for me, so I’ll give myself a 4. Like I’ve mentioned before, God’s wired me this way—being cautious about what I say. The only time this goes awry for me is when I’m angry. So I watch out for the “amygdala hijack!” Read here for more on that!

If you struggle here, it might also be related to the way you’re wired. But that’s not a problem when you look to God for His help! With each choice you make to build up your mate, you’ll start to rebuild his/her trust in you as well!

My application for this week’s focus will be on #4. I’m going to work on banning complaining about my husband either to his face or behind his back. Click here to view/download the inventory to know how to tabulate your overall score. Then choose one area of weakness to formulate an action point like I did and am!

Be sure to join me next week when I’ll be examining what unselfishness looks like and how we can be improve in this area! I can already tell you, this one’s going to hurt … at least, hurt me! Lol! Click the link to find all the other posts in this Insight for 2020 Series. 

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Which of the inventory questions do you want to make your goal and focus, and in what specific way?

 

Just for fun . . . What’s one of your favorite TV shows and why?