Are You More of a Humble Spouse or Insecure Spouse? Take the Quiz!

Humble Spouse - This post gives you 7 ways to resist insecurity and capture humility as a spouse. Find out by clicking the link! #messymarriage #humblespouse #Bibleverses #howtobe

I’ve always wanted to become and be known as a humble spouse. But for the life of me I can’t seem to grasp this elusive quality. It feels very much like chasing after a butterfly.

The more I try to capture it, the faster it flits away beyond my grasp.

Humble Spouse - This post gives you 7 ways to resist insecurity and capture humility as a spouse. It also offers a quiz for knowing how humble or insecure you are as a spouse! #messymarriage #humblespouse #Bibleverses #howtobe

Part of my problem stems from insecurity. Ironically, many people confuse insecurity with humility. But the two are mutually exclusive.

Rick Warren wisely said, “Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.”

When we’re insecure we think too much about ourselves and how inferior we are. Conversely, when we’re prideful we think too much about ourselves and how strong or right we are. Unfortunately, you can find me at both ends of this spectrum! 😉

[bctt tweet=”In order to become humble, we must turn our focus from ourselves and onto God. Find out how at MM! #humblespouse” username=”BethSteffaniak”]

Today, I want to look at two humble examples from the Bible—King David and his distant descendant Jesus.

7 Steps to Being Less Insecure and More Humble as a Spouse

Insecure spouses focus more on their outward appearance, while …

1. Humble spouses focus on the condition of their hearts.

When God sent Samuel to find Israel’s next king, Samuel thought David’s brother Eliab had to be the one based on his appearance. Not so fast …

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” —1 Samuel 16:7

God wanted David to be the king because of his noble heart and not because of he looked noble on the outside.

Ask yourself: Do I worry more about how I appear to my mate than how my heart appears to God?

If so, your spouse will likely find you less attractive, even if you look like a supermodel!

Action step: Ask God to examine and reveal the condition of your heart and turn over any ugliness He reveals.

Insecure spouses get distracted by defending themselves, while …

2. Humble spouses persevere rather than taking things personally.

Later in David’s story, he went to where the Israelites were facing off in battle. He overheard the soldiers talking about finding someone to fight and defeat a Philistine giant named Goliath.

While there, David’s brother saw him and accused him of all sorts of wrong conduct, including being conceited.

Instead of taking this personally, David stayed focused on his next right step. And that next right step was to fight Goliath—not his brother. (See 1 Sam. 17:26-30 for more.)

Ask yourself: Do I try to defend myself to my spouse rather than doing the next right thing God wants me to do?

Action step: Next time you’re tempted to defend yourself with your spouse, choose to apologize for any hurt you’ve caused. (Whether you’ve done something intentionally or not.) Yup! Humility is hard!

Insecure spouses rely on self-improvement and/or their own strength, while … 

3. Humble spouses remind themselves of what God has done in their lives. 

Moving on in David’s story, he bravely offered to fight Goliath and defend God’s honor. But King Saul wanted David to wear his armor, because he was “only a boy” (see 1 Samuel 17:33-39).

David refused to wear the armor—trusting that God would defend him like He had done numerous times before!

“The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine.” —1 Samuel 17:37a

Ask yourself: Do I try to convince my spouse of how strong or right I am more than thanking God for how strong He is

Action step: The next time you feel discouraged by your mate’s hurtful attitude, prayerfully recall the times God has helped you.

Insecure spouses focus on their fears and the chance that they might fail, while …

4. Humble spouses trust God to protect and vindicate them. 

When David faced this giant, he said to him …

“You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. —1 Samuel 17:45

David then was able to kill and defeat Goliath, but only through God’s power. 

If you operate out of insecurity and fear of failure, you’ll only try to defend yourself or avoid admitting your part in a marriage conflict. Instead …

Ask yourself: Am I operating more out of fear with my spouse than trusting in God’s protection?

Action step: In every conflict, surrender your fears to God and confess your weaknesses to your mate!

Insecure spouses expect their mates to fulfill and even complete them, while …

5. Humble spouses lay down their rights and serve sacrificially.

Now, let’s look at Christ’s example …

“Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!” —Philippians 2:5-8

If Jesus chose to make Himself nothing and obediently died for our sakes, then we too must follow His example.

Ask yourself: Do I try to get my spouse to meet my needs more often than I sacrifice to meet his/hers?

Action step: The next time you want your spouse to meet some desire, choose to lay that down and meet a desire in his/her life instead.

Insecure spouses try to control their spouses, while …

6. Humble spouses rely on God’s control.

Here’s how Jesus operated …

“The Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.” —Jn. 5:19

If Jesus only did what His Father wanted Him to do—leaving control up to His Father—then we can do no less.

Ask yourself: Am I trying to control my spouse more than surrendering control of him/her to God?

Action step: Identify one problematic issue you’ve tried to control in your mate. Release that issue to God and trust Him to convict and change in His divine time and way.

Insecure spouses are easily angered and hold grudges, while …

7. Humble spouses forgive because of Christ’s forgiveness.

[bctt tweet=”This is one of the areas where pride rears up most obviously. It’s also where humility can shine brightest when we respond like Christ. Find out what it is at MM! #humblespouse” username=””]

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” —Ephesians 4:32

Our motive for forgiving our mates cannot be found in correcting them or forcing them to make amends. It is only found by following Christ’s example of forgiveness because He forgave us.

Ask yourself: Am I holding something over my spouse’s head, instead of letting it go to God?

Action step: Forgive your spouse’s offenses because Christ has forgiven you.

[bctt tweet=”Find out whether you are more insecure or humble as a spouse by taking the free quiz at MM today! #questionsthatreveal #thespouseIwanttobe” username=”BethSteffaniak”]

Interested in the quiz to see how insecure or humble you are as a mate? Click here to download it, and be sure to be honest when you take it! Also, if you’d like a prayer that can help you articulate your desire for more humility in your life and marriage, then be sure to click on the image below to download this as a printable!

Humble Spouse Prayer - Click on the link to head to messymarriage.com for a full-size printable of this prayer and a quiz telling you how humble or insecure you are! #humbleprayer #Bibleverse #Scriptureprayer #marriageprayer

Click the link to read more in the series, “The Spouse I Want to Be.” And listen up, all of you perfectionistic spouses out there! Be sure to come back by next week when I’ll be sharing about how to become a more realistic spouse. You really won’t want to miss that one!

 

Which of these seven humble actions do you want to work on the most? 

 

Which of the insecure characteristics is most problematic in your life?

 


Here are some other lovely linkups I join – Inspire Me MondayLiterary Musing MondaysTea and Word TuesdayPurposeful FaithTell His StoryRecharge WednesdayPorch Stories Linkup, Welcome Heart, Worth Beyond Rubies WednesdayEncouraging Word WednesdaySitting Among FriendsDestination InspirationTune in ThursdayHeart EncouragementMoments of HopeGrace and Truth Faith and Friends Faith on Fire FridayFresh Market Friday, and DanceWithJesusFriday

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22 responses to “Are You More of a Humble Spouse or Insecure Spouse? Take the Quiz!”

  1. Relying on God’s control . . . I think that’s the biggest challenge of my Christian life. I want a detailed plan for life going forward–even though I claim to walk by faith! My husband is definitely better at this than I am.

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    1. Lol! Isn’t that the truth for so many of us, myself included, Michele! We struggle to trust God to do as a good of a job as we would do! Now if that isn’t prideful, I don’t know what is! But it also reflects the insecurity we feel due to the hurts we’ve experienced in life. I’ll be praying for you and me to learn to lean into God’s good care of our lives, so that we come to trust Him more and more, no matter how scary the situation might seem to us! Thanks for stopping by and encouraging me, my friend!

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      1. Always good to connect here, Beth! Your posts are like a safety net for marriages!

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  2. Excellent post, and I love the graphics too, Beth! Pinned 2x and tweeted 2x also. Blessings to you!

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    1. Thanks, Sarah! And that doesn’t surprise me! Your love for purple and flowers is very evident from your graphics and blog! I love them too, but this post really lent itself to that being my graphic of choice! 😉 Thanks for the Pinterest and Twitter love! Right back at ya!

      Like

  3. I used to be what I thought of as humble; and then I realized, slowly, that I’m pretty darn special, and downplaying that, in my own heart, was kinda stupid. It limited the good I coudl do.

    I used to think humility
    meant standing in the shade;
    more of everyone, less of me,
    but it was a weak charade.
    Few indeed can play my part,
    yet fewer walk this road
    of dying with a cheerful heart
    under cancer’s crushing load.
    I do not need my hand held;
    instead I will hold yours.
    And I will see your fears quelled,
    replaced with bright-hope fleurs.
    My shoulders will keep your sky from falling,
    secure at last in my true calling.

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    1. You are keeping me in stitches today, Andrew! Funny how we can see all of our special qualities and others, not so much! Lol! LOVE your poem! You are such a poet, to drop one at the mention of a topic! And the meaning behind it should bless Barbara’s socks off! Hugs and prayers to you, my friend! Thank you for pushing through your pain to encourage me today!

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  4. I like your perspective and it’s something that I really need to reflect upon. My insecurities often reign in this house and it’s not fair to my husband. Thank you for this post.

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    1. I agree, Maryann! It’s not fair to our husbands, but also not to ourselves and the Lord! We miss out on the richness that humility can bring to our lives and we miss out on the closer connection to God that a yielded and humble posture can bring.

      This is one of my biggest goals in marriage, and therefore, one of my biggest weaknesses in life! So I say this as a fellow-struggler, as well as one who knows the God of the universe can transform your heart and mine one humble act at a time! Thanks for stopping by and encouraging me, my friend!

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  5. Excellent post!

    I was journaling about an incident that happened with my husband earlier in the day. The exercise asks you to recount an event of your day, write down the emotions your felt, what you thought about the situation, what you wish you had done, and what you will do in the future.

    It was an exasperating situation, one that I have dealt with for over 35 years, but now that I am self-evaluating, I am trying to look at it differently. Your words about saying I’m sorry (even if you didn’t do anything) were very convicting to me and I can also see where it will be a great example that might remedy my 35 year problem!

    Thanks so much for sharing! Your post was an answer to prayer. Saving!

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    1. Your comment really made my day, Karen! I’m thrilled to be an answer to prayer and someone who helps you take a step of humility toward your mate. I had to take that very humbling step recently with another person in my life. It was rather humiliating to apologize for some things that I didn’t even feel like I did wrong. But if it hurt them, then I wanted to be sure and take responsibility anyway! I think it has initiated healing in that relationship in a way that trying to talk through it could never do! Thanks for stopping by and encouraging me, my friend!

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  6. Insecurity comes in many forms doesn’t it?

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  7. Great quiz … I am insecure :(( Close to moderately humble though and a lot of the questions I would have answered in a more “insecure” way a year or two ago. I love your sweet prayer. It seems very heartfelt.

    Your seven aspects all ring true, and really good scripture examples. Worst for me is #3 (with #2 a close second), especially “insecure spouses rely on self-improvement and/or their own strength” and yes, that is linked to pride (I remember feeling very uncomfortable reading the chapter on pride in Mere Christianity. I think pride is a big problem for me).

    Brilliant post Beth!

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  8. Wow just wow!! God’s timing is so amazing!! Giving up the need of feeling like I need to be the one that’s right and trying to serve more selflessly are both areas I’m currently really trying to allow God to help me with. It’s been a more intentional focus for about 2 mths and I tell ya, I have a victory and then literally in the same hour have a fallout with my mouth! Work in progress but I know that God keeps putting things in front of me, like this post for some added encouragement!!

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  9. Wow. Beth, this is so powerful. This cuts straight to the core of so many issues in marriages. I can see myself on both ends of the spectrum, as well. Our society has such a twisted idea of what genuine humility really means. The truth is that it’s a gateway to the best kind of confidence and security; the kind that can be found in Christ alone – His sufficiency and matchless grace. Thank you for sharing your valuable wisdom again this week!

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  10. This is an excellent post Beth! I agree with everything you said. I also realized some things I need to work on. The first one got me straight in the heart. I need to pray about that. I am pinning and sharing!

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  11. Such great points and tips, thank you!! This is great Beth!

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  12. Hah. I remember one of the more insecure times in my marriage, I was constantly concerned with proving I was right. It seems I was insecure and prideful at the same time. Definitely not a good combo. I’m glad I’ve moved on from that, it was certainly miserable.

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  13. Great post, Beth! I’m so thankful to God that He has patiently (very patiently!) and mercifully taught us many of these truths. I look back over the early years of our marriage and see how defensive I was when my husband questioned anything. it’s not that we have arrived. We must continue to die to self daily and choose to do things Gods way every day, but I thank God for His faithfulness to never give up on any of us.

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  14. This really makes me think start to finish about the condition of my heart and mind. It is so easy for me to become so self-involved and protective but if I really surrender it to God, the insecurities, the ways I feel I have been wronged or slighted in marriage, He can work on making the entire marriage better.

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  15. Hi, great post. I am nowhere near as humble as I need to be toward my spouse. He is a humble one. I am so blessed to have him in my life. He passed the quiz and then some in my eyes. Thanks for sharing on the #LMMLinkup this past week.

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  16. I relate to all of these, Beth. But these two stand out to me the most:

    2. Humble spouses persevere rather than taking things personally.
    4. Humble spouses trust God to protect and vindicate them.

    I definitely have to keep praying for God to remove my pride, and especially in my most important relationship of marriage. Thanks for your help in moving that along! 🙂

    Like

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