7 Ways to Become a More Passionate Spouse

Passionate Spouse - This post offers 7 ways to develop passion for your spouse and marriage. #passionatemarriage #passioninmarriage #passionatespouse #marriageprayer #intimacy

If being passionate was on one end of a continuum and being emotionally reserved was on the other, you would find me living at both extremes. However, a true continuum of passion would most likely have passion at one end, and apathy at the other.

Passionate Spouse - This post offers 7 ways to develop passion for your spouse and marriage. #passionatemarriage #passioninmarriage #passionatespouse #marriageprayer #intimacy

But that’s not the way I vacillate and vibe! I’m not an apathetic person by any means but rather a very passionate person in most ways, even though I can be emotionally reserved.

Adding to the confusion, passion can be demonstrated in both good and bad ways, as well as being “good” in more than one way.

Consider the following negative ways passion can be shown: 

  • We can get so passionate about our own views that we lose our cool when our mates disagree with us.
  • Sometimes our passion for godly and good pursuits in life can overshadow and distract from our marriages.
  • A hunger for passion in our marriage can tempt us to indulge an attraction to someone outside of our marriages.
  • We can let our anger flare so passionately every time our spouses sin that it fuels resentment against them.

[bctt tweet=”Ironically, we must wrangle and discipline our passion, in order to be the passionate spouses our mates deserve and need. Find out how at MM today! #passionprinciples” username=”BethSteffaniak”]

Allow me to offer 7 ideas that can improve the good side of passion in your marriage and mine …

7 Ways to Become a More Passionate Spouse 

Passionate Spouse - 7 passionate prompts are given with the full descriptions at the link. Click to find out more! #passionatespouse #passioninmarriage #connectwithspouse #affection #attention 1. Initiate Affectionate Touch

I’m picky about affection. Sometimes I’m not in the mood to even receive a hug from my guy, while other times I’m “too hot” to snuggle. #hotflashes

Mostly, I stick with patterns that were impressed on me when I was a child raised in a not-so-affectionate family. 😦

So whenever I’m the one to initiate a hug or kiss with my hubby, it surprises him and often makes his day.

I need to do more of this!

How about you?

2. Let Affection Linger Longer

Jim Burns, the author of Creating an Intimate Marriage, suggests giving your spouse a 15-second kiss every day. Of course, you should make sure not to use this as pressure for sex. But if it naturally leads to sex, then you’ve seen the power affection can wield in drawing you to your mate.

Oxytocin—the “feel good” hormone—is released when our mates lovingly touch us. So it makes sense to let affection linger so that this hormone can flow longer and more potently.

Want to join me in trying to double the time we typically hold our spouse’s hand, touch their arm or shoulder, scratch their back, or any expression of affection this next week?

Who knows? Maybe it will fuel positive passions for our mates—helping us to become more passionate spouses!

3. Practice Better Listening

One way that you and I can control our negative passions in marriage is to never let our passionate opinions override our passion for our mates’ perspectives.

Listening also increases our passion for the spouses we’re learning more about, as well as helping them to feel our love more deeply.

“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” —Prov. 20:5 (NIV)

[bctt tweet=”This loving passion can only be shown to our mates when we open our ears and hearts, while closing our mouths. #openopenclose #3rdpassionprinciple” username=”BethSteffaniak”]

4. When You Do Speak—Speak Affectionately

Listen to the way King Solomon spoke about his beloved …

“How beautiful your sandaled feet, O prince’s daughter! Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of an artist’s hands.” —Song of Solomon 7:1 (NIV)

Or her words of affirmation about him …

“My beloved is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand.” —Song of Solomon 5:10 (NIV)

Pretty sweet, steamy, and passionate stuff!

With every steamy and affectionate word we share about and to our mates, the more passionate our hearts and marriages become and grow!

5. Become a Passionate Learner of Your Spouse

Once you’ve listened to your mate, keep a running list of the details you’re learning about him/her. John Gottman refers to this running list as a love map.”

You learn as much as you can about what your spouse is passionate about and enjoys so you can navigate easily to his/her heart.

One small example is: My hubby is a huge lover of tart Jellybeans. So I make sure to surprise him with a bag every now and then. #thewaytoamansheart

6. Mentally Prepare for Lovemaking

Most men don’t need to worry about this one! If a wife tells her man she’s in the mood, he’s typically ready to hop in the sack before she finishes her sentence! 😉

Conversely, most wives must gear up for lovemaking, especially when she has had kids clinging to and climbing on her all day long. Can you say, “over-stimulated”?

Find ways to fuel your passions before lovemaking. Make sure to shower, shave your legs, dress in your favorite outfit, wear your favorite perfume, etc. on these days.

And don’t overdo it on a day when “doing it” might be on your and/or your hubby’s radar.

If lovemaking is a challenge for you, there are lots of ways to make love that don’t have to do with intercourse. Check out a guest post from Chris Taylor and my Rekindling Sex SeriesMaintaining Intimacy When Sex isn’t Possible—for some great ideas.

7. Fire Up Your Passion for God

Ironically, becoming more passionate about God is actually the best place to start to fire up your passion for your mate.

That’s because God is the One who created sex, wired us to enjoy it, and loves it when we love it!

God made sex to act like “glue” to bond our hearts to our mates like nothing else can! 

This idea is reflected in Genesis 2:24, which talks about becoming one as mates. It’s also reflected in 1 Corinthians 6:18-20, regarding straying sexually—stating it is a sin against our own bodies.

Most of all, when you’re pursuing God, He can heal the hurts that have dampened and even extinguished your passion in marriage.

[bctt tweet=”Without my passion for God, I know my passion for my mate would be in peril! Discover 6 other ways to ignite passion for your mate! This one and others might surprise you!” username=”BethSteffaniak”]

“For your Maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.” —Isaiah 54:5 (NIV)

I learned a long time ago to take the burden off my husband’s weak shoulders and put it on God’s powerful back.

Now, I look first to my “Husband” to love me, before looking to my husband for love. When I do that, God’s love flows through me to my spouse in ways that I could never produce on my own—turning it into a passion-palooza!

Here’s a printable prayer for passion in marriage. Click on the image and after it loads to a new tab, click on the upper right corner to download at the

Passion Prayer - This printable prayer for passion in marriage is available to download at the link. #passionprayer #passionatemarriage #passionatespouse #marriageprayer

Click on this link to read more posts in this series, The Spouse I Want to Be.” If you come back by next week, you’ll find out how to become a “Compassionate Spouse” in your marriage. I’m certain you won’t want to miss it!


What is another idea you have for developing passion in marriage?


Which of these seven ways do you want to work on the most?


I’m honored to have been chosen as the featured post for the Grace and Truth Linkup at Aimee Imbeau’s blog. Click the image to head there!

Grace and Truth - #passioninmarriage

Here are some other lovely linkups I join – Inspire Me MondayLiterary Musing MondaysTea and Word TuesdayPurposeful FaithTell His StoryRecharge WednesdayPorch Stories Linkup, Welcome Heart, Worth Beyond Rubies WednesdayEncouraging Word WednesdaySitting Among FriendsDestination InspirationTune in ThursdayHeart EncouragementMoments of Hope, Grace and Truth Faith and Friends Faith on Fire FridayFresh Market Friday, and DanceWithJesusFriday


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32 responses to “7 Ways to Become a More Passionate Spouse”

  1. Excellent advice. There’s even some ways I can improve my marriage relationship.


    1. Glad to hear it encouraged you, Mandy!


  2. Great post, Beth, and I love the way you’ve organised the list. And “don’t overdo” is great advice all the way through. Burnout happens.

    For me, these days, passion is something I simply don’t remember, and would be profoundly startled if it were revealed that my wife had feeling remotely like that for me.

    In these ays of closing walls,
    under a darkening sky,
    I hear afar the dread footfalls
    of my coming time to die.
    I can’t recall the touch of flesh
    or remember a honeymoon.
    They’re far away as Bangladesh,
    or the far side of the moon.
    You may think I’ve lost a lot,
    and in ways you’d be so right
    but I love the way this battle’s fought
    and my short future’s bright!
    On my way to the hereafter
    my legacy is jokes and laughter.


    1. Oops. First line of the sonnet, it hould be ‘days’, not ‘ays’.


      1. Beautiful and so true, Andrew! Sometimes passion for our mates comes in a variety of shades, shapes and sizes, especially when life and death are involved! I know that Barbara will always remember your funny side and the laughter you both share and shared together. That, alone, is a huge gift to her, my friend! Hugs and prayers coming your way!


      2. Hugs and prayers appreciated, Beth.

        Kind of interesting, last night Barb said that I really could let go, that she didn’t need to see me keep on in agony (and that is the right word).

        Not so. She needs the love and laughter, and it has to sink in that death is not a tragedy, but simply a part of the process of drawing closer to God.

        I will always believe that were are the children of a God of Joy…and Laughter…

        …and really bad God-sized jokes.


  3. Beth,
    You always have such good advice and points to ponder. I know I need to be a better listener – one who doesn’t butt in with her rebuttals and defense arguments. Just like I want and need to be heard, so does my husband. I like the idea of at least one long lingering kiss each day. I guess I’m afraid that he would take that as a signal for something more but why can’t you have just a passionate few moments each day without something grander having to follow?? I’m joining you with more touch this week, though I have to admit that’s an easy one for me….I love the sense of touch and closeness. Lot’s to ponder here. As always, great advice and good to stop by your place (long over due!)
    Bev xx


    1. I’m so glad to hear that you’re joining me in lovingly touching our guys more and more, Bev! And I hear ya on the lingering kiss concerns, but I think if we are open about those concerns, it can be a great new practice we inject into our marriages. Thanks for encouraging me, my friend! Hugs to you from afar!


  4. Pinning this one, my friend!
    And a big YES to becoming a student of our spouses! We can’t rely on our gut for some things.


    1. Thanks for your support in that way, Michele! Agreed! Being students of our spouses is always a good and profitable effort! Makes marriage sweeter and more passionate! 😉


  5. Such great tips. Thank you. laurensparks.net


    1. Thanks for stopping by and encouraging me, Lauren!


  6. Thanks for sharing your wisdom and insights here.


    1. Happy to, Karen! Thanks for stopping by and encouraging me, my friend!


  7. Hey Beth, I’ve always loved the Isaiah passage, the Lord is our husband. And this is so powerful, :I learned a long time ago to take the burden off my husband’s weak shoulders and put it on God’s powerful back.”

    But I think the one I need to work on the most is to speak affectionately. Sometimes my husband says either my choice of words or my tone are a turn-off in every way.

    Thanks for a great post!


    1. Thank you for your encouraging words, Karen! Yes, that’s such a powerful verse and reality in our lives. Sure does make my marriage a lot sweeter! You and me both on the speaking affectionately. I can be rather blunt and to the point with my husband, not to mention neglecting to affirm him as much as possible. I get in a busy mindset and whiz past him in my day far too often! Thanks for joining the conversation and the effort to be more passionate with our mates, my friend!


  8. I need these reminders, Beth. Especially when I’m tired (which I am!). They don’t require a lot of us, but can make a lot of difference. Thanks, friend. And my husband would thank you if he only knew. 😉


    1. Me too, Lisa! (Both the need for reminders and the tired part!) 😉 Great added thought! They really don’t take much, but do make a huge difference in our marriages. Thank you for stopping by and encouraging me, dear friend!


  9. These are all such good tips, Beth!
    It’s easy to sort of fall “out” of good habits.
    Thanks for the reminders of things we need to continue to practice as wives.
    Sure do appreciate you and your ministry!


    1. Yes, it is, Melanie! Being oldie weds, we know how easy that is! 😉 Thanks for stopping by to encourage me, my friend! You always bring a smile to my face!


  10. Great post Beth! These are really great ideas. I will be sharing this and pinning. Thank you so much for sharing!


    1. Thank you so much, Angela! I really appreciate your kind words and the sharing too, my friend!


  11. I love this, Beth! I’m choosing it as my Grace & Truth feature this week. Thanks for linking up!


    1. That’s wonderful to hear, Aimee! I’m honored and excited to be featured! Thanks for encouraging me today, my friend!


  12. So much goodness here for me…I must pin this for sure!


  13. These are great tips! I especially need to work on the first one. I think I wait for him to initiate for a lot of reasons — mostly to do with me and my own insecurities. But choosing to initiate can be good for both of us.

    And that 15 second kiss — I love the idea. Not sure how to get him on board!


  14. I was reminded of a few things as I read this today! Thank you for such great points for me to truly be inspired to implement. My husband and I are not doing “bad” but we both agreed this week to focus again on more connecting. We got the love nudge app. I think it’s always good to take inventory of where you’re at in your marriage.


  15. […] 7 Ways to Become a More Passionate Spouse, Messy Marriage […]


  16. It’s remarkable toօ visit tһis site and reading tһe views off alⅼ mates about thіs piece of writing, while I am also eager of getting familiarity.


  17. […] However, I am a huge advocate for igniting passion in marriage!  All year long!  So, when I saw the title of Beth’s post, I knew I had to read it.  Oh, yeah, hubby and I are passionate, but it won’t hurt to turn up the heat a bit!  Am I right or am I right?  I will be trying tip #2…and I know it will lead to something else;)  Head on over to Beth’s site to read her post, 7 Ways to Become a More Passionate Spouse. […]


  18. They say that one needs passion
    to make a spouse feel needed,
    but here that’s out of fashion
    because of calls I’ve heeded
    to walk into the jaws of death,
    perhaps a life to save,
    or the days I held my breath
    exhuming a mass grave,
    and these choices left their mark,
    a smell that clings to me
    and love-making in the dark
    is lost eternally
    for I lent my soul to war,
    and the world don’t want me any more.


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