If you’ve been viewing over the past month or so my video podcasts, then you’re aware that I promised to tell you about a communication “tool” that my husband and I use to handle conflicts effectively.

That tool is “reflective listening.”

I’m going to provide detailed instructions on how to practice reflective listening in its truest sense, along with a question guide that’s designed to help you share and explore a conflict with your spouse effectively below.

Active listening is one of the most effective communication tools or skills you’ll find. It can soothe relational wounds or offenses {especially if you practice it often} with amazing results!

With true reflective listening you must parrot or repeat back what you’ve heard the speaker say without interpreting or putting it into your own words. You simply want to let the message enter your brain and then flow back out of your mouth.

This allows the listener to …

1. Think or fully receive what is being said—requiring greater concentration than casual listening.
2. Engage another part of the brain by recalling what was said with accuracy.
3. Remain focused on the speaker’s message instead of his/her own thoughts {which often results in rebuttals or defensiveness}.
4. Speak the words back, which reinforces the listener’s understanding and memory of the message.
5. Feel the impact of his/her own actions in a much more tangible and powerful way as the words are repeated back, potentially resulting in empathy if the listener’s defenses are sufficiently dropped.

When you first try this tool, you’ll probably feel like it’s awkward. You might also feel like it seems to avoid dealing with the nitty-gritty of the hurt in the relationship. That’s because we all want to have our say in times of conflict. But …
[Tweet “Having our say, and connecting with our mates in a non-defensive way, are two very different things.”]
“Having our say” – asserts the “confronted party’s” rights and often causes him/her to remain hard-hearted by what was meant to soften the conflict.

“Connecting with our mates” through reflective listening – involves coming alongside the speaker, like teammates ready to tackle the issue, rather than fighting against one another.

At some point, if you’ve practiced reflective listening faithfully and over time, it will integrate into your everyday communication and relational style, where thoughtful responses and deeper understanding replace reacting, stonewalling and emotional meltdowns. Grab the communication tool guide here!

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” –James 1:19-20

Also for further assistance on how to apologize after a boundary conversation check out my post – How and When to Apologize.

Check out the new Video page on Messy Marriage here.

What fears or faulty beliefs do you have about using this “tool” with your mate?

What positive results do you think using this “tool” in times of tension or conflict would produce in your marriage?

Joining with my friends at  Works for Me Wednesday,  Wifey Wednesday,  Coffee and Conversation,  Wholehearted Wednesday,  Whimsical Wednesday,  What You Wish Wednesday, and Essential Fridays.

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