When Can You Handle My Hurt? Video

Well, I’m back and excited to share my 5th “computer-side chat” with all of you {with a special shout out going to my sweet friend, Linda over at Creekside Ministries}! Each video in this series tackles the “sloppy expectations” we have in marriage, with this week being about the timing and sensitivity needed when sharing how our spouses have hurt us.

My husband and I have struggled with knowing how to handle and share our hurts to each other in a helpful and considerate way. So today I share what we’ve discovered and I’d love it if you could take 3 minutes out of your day to hear about an insight or two that might help you the next time you are at a confrontation crossroads with your spouse.

Oh, and don’t forget to subscribe to my Messy Marriage Youtube channel too!

How have you made matters worse when you tried to do an uninvited confrontation with your spouse?

What other false assumptions have you made about the need to immediately “vent” your hurt in the heat of the moment?

Linking up with – Marriage Mondays, Making Your Home Sing Monday, Sunday Stillness, Sharing His Beauty and Playdates with God

BethSteffaniak

October 12, 2014

Anger, Boundaries, Communication, Conflict, Confrontation, Realistic Expectations, Respect

Communication, Conflict, Conflict Resolution, Sensitivity, Timing, Venting

11 responses to “When Can You Handle My Hurt? Video”

laura

October 13, 2014 at 9:12 am

I love this analogy of “coming around to the front door,” Beth. Great way of thinking about it. Looking forward to hearing about the tool you and your hubs are making use of.

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1. Beth
  
  October 13, 2014 at 1:41 pm
  
  Thanks, Laura, for stopping by today! I love the new design of your blog! Fits you perfectly! 🙂
  
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Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

October 13, 2014 at 9:21 am

Great talk, great analogy…except for one thing…

When talking about scheduling a talk, saying “I’m not in the best frame of mind” is fine, but adding “and you probably aren’t, either” isn’t.

It may be true, but it can be taken as mind-reading or something of a judgement, and an attempt to subtly shift blame. It’s best to stop at the ‘fence’ of our own feelings.

I’ve learned that talking about my hurt at all is generally counterproductive, but I’m in a somewhat different situation vis-a-vis my health and prospects for the future. To put it bluntly, I’m in a fight I’m not likely to survive and so my emotional state doesn’t really matter.

This is not my wife’s view – I’m not sure what she thinks. But for me, the best approach now is to simply take in any slight, and wash it in prayer and meditation until it’s either revealed as the misunderstanding it truly is, or it dissolves as something out-of-character and thus irrelevant to the relationship.

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Beth

October 13, 2014 at 1:48 pm

That’s true, Andrew. Gary and I have talked so much about this and realize that we should never assume the way the other feels. It just kind of slipped out when I was videoing and I’m actually trying not to be a perfectionist about all things I say and do in these–as I’m not happy with parts here and there. I tend to spend hours trying to get it perfect and then it actually ends up getting worse, so I’m trying to conserve on my time. But that should always be a consideration when we voice our feelings and thoughts–never assuming what our spouse may be feeling. I will say that it’s a good habit to say, “May I read your mind?” Because that asks permission to share what you are noticing and is another way to “ring the doorbell” so to speak.

Yes, your situation is vastly different than most. And I’m sure your frame of mind is often challenged and stressed–so what’s the point in saying the obvious? 😉 You’re response to absorb those slights through God’s grace and the soothing balm of prayer is exactly what every spouse should learn and do–regardless of whether the feelings need to be expressed to our spouse or not. Thanks for coming by and watching, my friend.

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Mary

October 13, 2014 at 4:21 pm

Love this! Also love your sense of humor! 🙂 Thank you for sharing your wisdom and I’m hoping this reaches many that can benefit from these tips in their own marriages. Hugs my friend!

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1. Beth
  
  October 14, 2014 at 2:42 pm
  
  Thanks so much, Mary! I try to add a little humor here and there. I don’t know if it always comes off as funny. But it’s kind of what I might say in conversation over a cup of coffee with a friend like you! I appreciate your kindness and encouragement, sweet friend!
  
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andrea

October 14, 2014 at 8:51 am

I am definitely a “back door” girl. My hurt and anger come out of my mouth without thinking about the timing or my husband’s frame of mind. This is my number one problem. I make things so much worse in our relationship by doing this. And to make matters worse, I often fester on issues and then burst through the back door with all of my problems.

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1. Beth
  
  October 14, 2014 at 2:48 pm
  
  I know … and imagine if that really were the case. It’s almost like you’re not only an emotional intruder but an emotional stalker. You stand outside that door and watch the offender inside–going about his life night after night (since stalking must be done at night! ha!) and then when you’ve stewed enough over what you see the “Mr.” doing, you come busting through that door like a crazed killer! Note to the readers out there … I “know” this woman, we’ve had many heart to hearts, and I really think she can take this ribbing! An.y.way … it truly can make matters worse, but finding the right way to approach it at the right time can be just as daunting! So stay tuned! Hugs to ya, Andrea! 🙂
  
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Ngina Otiende

October 14, 2014 at 12:58 pm

Love, love this Beth! I never used to ask for permission and would badge through the door…many empty minutes later stand back, exasperated and angry, wondering why my hubby isn’t “cooperating”. God has been merciful and in our short years and I have been learning to how to “invite” conversation, rather than force it.

You have nailed it here “Vent to the Lord, not your husband” Yup! 🙂

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1. Beth
  
  October 14, 2014 at 2:53 pm
  
  I’m so glad you have learned to “come to the front door”, Ngina. You are so proactive that it doesn’t surprise me at all. Of course, as you’ve revealed in your latest post on introversion/extroversion, your bold personality can add fuel to this fire! I just think we skip over the fact that it truly is a “boundary violation” because people assume they have the right to cross it since it involves their spouse! It seems to me that’s the person we should take the greatest care when approaching them with a prickly subject! Thanks for your encouragement and for all the Twitter and blog lovin’ you’ve been sending my way lately, girlfriend!
  
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Toni B Stehling

October 14, 2014 at 10:18 pm

Thank you so much for this!! Love the analogy for this!! Feel convicted about “barging in” BUT I love learning more effective strategies on how to handle conflict and confrontations bc I’ve been one to stuff it down and let it fester! It’s true when you allow things to fester, it just poisons it!! I agree with how it was described on feelings about miscommunication and don’t know how to fix it! It’s a mess hence called “messy marriage”. But this is great bc we definitely need better “T-O-O-L-S-F-O-R-T-A-L-K-I-N-G” for better relief going forward.

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