Last week, I talked about a boundary conversation that was, for the most part, accepted by both parties. But what if you’ve confronted someone and he/she has dismissed or resisted your boundary conversation? What should you do then?

First of all, there’s a difference between dismissing and resisting a boundary conversation.

Normal Resistance

• Most people resist aspects to some degree of an initial boundary conversation. It’s a part of the broken human condition to resist change or fight taking responsibility—all along the way, I might add! This is to be expected—anticipated—and not a cause for alarm in the reconciliation process.
• Sometimes all of parts of the boundary conversation are initially accepted, but as time goes on and the reality of what’s being required emerges, then resistance crops up. This too is normal, but the person should not consistently remain resistant or it may be reflective of a rejection rather than resistance.

Signs of Rejection

• Sometimes, what started out as acceptance moves into resistance, and then eventually degenerates into outright dismissal or rejection of the boundary conversation. Here the degree of resistance is important to note, as well as the clarity of the message. In other words, is the other party making it clear that s/he is no longer willing? Then you know the other party has shifted from resistance to rejection.
• Typically, if a person is going to dismiss or reject a boundary conversation, you’ll see this almost immediately. You’ll know from the very first conversation how open the other party is to accept his/her responsibility. There will be no gray areas. This person may be still in denial and/or may constantly point the finger of blame back at you! Either way, your boundary has been rejected.

Here are some things you must keep in mind …

1. You cannot force reconciliation or taking responsibility. That’s why it’s called “taking” responsibility and not “giving” responsibility! Funny how often we miss that, right?
2. Remember that the more you yield this conflict and your offender to God, the more He can do His redemptive work. Rest in that truth! {Free Bible verse printable!}
3. Relationships don’t change after one boundary conversation. You’ll need to be prepared for many boundary conversations all along the way. Often there are many layers of self-protection and self-delusion that must be peeled back over time before you’ll see true growth and movement towards acceptance. That’s why having a neutral third party like a pastor, counselor or life coach is so important to provide support, perspective and accountability.
4. Let the natural consequences speak for you! Whatever it is that you’ve done to unnecessarily shield the other party from pain or from their responsibility, avoid that! You’ve most likely “played God” in this relationship! Repent of that and let God take over! His refinement of your offender is far superior to your strategies of nagging, arguing, manipulating, or punishing that are left in your teeny, tiny, human toolbox!

What would you add to this list that should be kept in mind or done?

What part of keeping your resolve when your offender resists is hardest for you?

I’ll be taking a break from my forgiveness series during the first and second Wednesday’s in May as I attend a conference with my hubby and take a short vacation afterwards. Wedded Wednesday will still be held both weeks, and when I return, I’ll be continuing the series with the issue of amends—what should be required and offered.

Click the link to read the previous post in our series on forgiveness and reconciliation – How and When to Apologize.

Joining with  Works for Me Wednesday,  To Love Honor and Vacuum, Whimsical Wednesday and Wholehearted Wednesday

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I do so love encouraging all of you and visiting your awesome places around the web, but I’m finding it difficult to get around to everyone since the link up has grown and my medical treatments have increased. But I will try my best to visit the blogs of those who are “early linkers” and those who comment or connect with me in some way. If I don’t make it to your blog this week, know that I appreciate you so very much and love that you are linked up here! 

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