Today we’re addressing another myth of forgiveness … If I forgive, I lay down any right to protect myself.

Just like the myth before it, “If I forgive, I’m letting my offender off the hook of responsibility” – there’s both truth and myth in this belief.

The myth
The idea that if I forgive, I’m laying down my right to protect myself, is often not a conscious thought, but more like the “background noise” running in our head—especially if we’ve been in an abusive relationship with our offender or someone else in our past.

But even if we haven’t been in an abusive relationship before, this belief seems more consistent with the “letting go” we’ve done in our hearts as we’ve forgiven. Ultimately, it just doesn’t “feel” right to require boundaries once we’ve softened our hearts and made the choice to forgive.

Sadly, this may be the very reason we resist forgiving!

Additionally, even if we don’t feel this way internally, our offender is likely to throw this one up in our face for good measure. *He may feel like “if we’ve truly forgiven him,” this should be the end of the matter, and “no conditions” should be required or defined. That somehow moving forward with boundaries indicates that we’re still holding a grudge or dangling our offender’s offense over his head.

If you’ve given yourself over to this myth, remember …

Forgiveness is about releasing the anger and hurt to God—seeking a pure heart—and not about tying our hands for our offender to reoffend us.

Christ’s truth
If we look at Matthew 18:15-17, we’ll find Jesus describing how to confront a “brother” {or fellow believer} who sins against us. He gives step-by-step instructions or protocol on how to handle this.

1. Go to your “brother {or sister}” and talk privately to him/her about the sin.
2. If he won’t listen, take one or two other believers along to discuss and negotiate further.
3. If he refuses to listen, bring it before the church.
4. If he refuses to listen to the church, then “treat him as you would a pagan.” In other words, withdraw from this person until the person repents and changes.

This passage makes it clear that Christ doesn’t equate forgiveness with blindly trusting our offender. Christ acknowledges and even expects that sins will be committed against us, but establishes how to follow up our forgiveness with measures that don’t leave us, others or our relationship vulnerable to further injury.

“Boundaries are like a brace or cast that help us heal & protect, not just our hearts, not just our relationship, but also our offender’s heart.”

When we avoid the painful part of addressing the sin {yes, this is often why we don’t do it!}, we’re enabling our offender and weakening our relationship at best, and becoming a stumbling block to his, as well as, our faith at worst. I’ll be dealing with our offender’s response or “lack thereof” to being confronted next week!

Bottom line –
If we hope to reconcile and restore our relationship, we must remember that …
[Tweet “Forgiveness is granted, but trust and reconciliation must be earned.“]

What other reasons have been barriers for you in releasing and forgiving your offender?

What has been helpful for you to do or remember when you’ve confronted an offender and set boundaries?

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Joining with  Works for Me Wednesday, Marriage, Motherhood and Missions,  To Love Honor and Vacuum, Whimsical Wednesday and Wholehearted Wednesday

To go to the previous post on forgiveness in this series click here.

*For simplicity’s sake, I used the masculine pronoun to refer to the offender, but both men and women can be our offenders.

Now it’s time  for Wedded Wednesday!

Grab our new button! I’ll be adding the code box soon, but until then copy and paste into your posts.

WW rules:

Write in any way you feel inspired about marriage, parenthood or anything that is spiritually encouraging.

1. Enter in a permalink directly to your “blog post” and not the main URL to your blog.
2. Be sure to include a link to “Wedded Wednesday” or add the WW button (code is in MM’s footer) to your current blog post and/or sidebar.
3. Visit and comment on at least one other person’s blog that’s linked up here.
4. Please no offensive or inappropriate content or sexually explicit images!

Optional but encouraged:

1. Consider setting up your Gravatar profile and Disqus Profile with a link to your blog … it makes it so much easier for all of us to find those of you who blog!
2. If you have the time, visit those who visit your blog and comment at their place as well … sort of a “Say it forward.”

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