Validation Does Not Equal Agreement

Recently I had a comment on my post, How to Validate Your Spouse’s Feelings.

It read:

“How do I validate my wife’s feelings when I disagree with the facts she is basing those feelings on? I understand the feelings but want to help her recognize the distorted facts so she doesn’t have to feel hurt.”

I thought this was a great issue to bring up and I’m grateful for this man’s desire to gain clarity on the practice of validating. You see …

Validation is not agreement. 

;Oil CanI know that sounds counterintuitive, but validation serves a different function in communication than “negotiation” or “processing through an issue” does. Validation helps the speaker to feel heard, understood and often results in comfort and connection. But healthy communication doesn’t have to, or even should, stop with validation.

Validation is like the oil you’d add to a bone-dry engine, so that when you do drive your car {address the issue}, it runs smoothly.

When the time is right, and the conversation to come is bathed in prayer, discussing the issue with a respectful tone and active listening in an effort to find resolution can often be the best course of action. If you’ve had difficulty navigating a conversation on this subject in the past, then it might be best to find a counselor or life-coach who can walk with you through the processoffering a neutral and skilled third party to the equation.

Here’s a video my oldest son, Jordan, found recently that kind of pokes fun at this problem called, “It’s Not about the Nail.” It must be quite the sensation on FB, since my good blogging friend, Elizabeth, over at The Warrior Wives also posted this video on her blog and spoke to the issue of validation just the other day.

I almost changed my plans to publish this, but decided to go ahead since Elizabeth gave me her sweet encouragement to do so. And I do hope that I’ve brought some different thoughts to the subject. So if you haven’t already seen the video, it’s very short and totally “hilarious!” This one’s for all of you fix-it guys {and gals} out there! 

;Photo by LadyDragonflyCC – >;< – Spring in Mich… (3,579)


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66 responses to “Validation Does Not Equal Agreement”

  1. Linda L. Martin Avatar
    Linda L. Martin

    Wow, that video “nailed” it! It really did. I laughed, and felt embarrassed. I showed it to my husband, and it actually made him feel frustrated because it was so realistic. (Ouch.) Thank you for shedding some light, and speaking on this subject!Also, thanks for stopping by my blog recently, and commenting!


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