I hear a lot about Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages, and I believe this book can be very useful for a couple struggling with communication, conflict resolution, and bitterness. However, Dr. Chapman and coauthor Jennifer Thomas also wrote The Five Languages of Apology, giving us a greater understanding of how to express our regret and take responsibility for our offenses, which is equally practical and necessary, though often overlooked.

Gary Chapman’s 5 Apology Languages:

1. Language #1: Expressing Regret or “I am sorry.”
2. Language #2: Accepting Responsibility or “I was wrong.”
3. Language #3: Making Restitution or “What can I do to make it right?”
4. Language #4: Genuinely Repenting or “I’ll try not to do that again.”
5. Language #5: Requesting Forgiveness or “Will you please forgive me?”

When I’m hurt, it’s as if a huge chasm develops between me and my husband. So what my husband says to me in his apology is very important to bridge the divide. It helps me to drop my guard and gives me the desire to move closer to him once again.

My husband can get angry very quickly, but he’s also extremely quick to apologize. His emotional responses move at lightning speed compared to mine since I am slower to get angry and, unfortunately, also slower to apologize.

So when my hubby apologizes, I typically wonder if he is sincerely sorry because it seems impossible for me to “get there”—to jump that chasm—as fast as he does. I need specific words or actions that remove my doubts.

You probably also have a preference for what you would like to hear so that you can move more quickly toward embracing your spouse’s apology.

Additional questions to help clarify what your language is:

1. Do I expect certain words from my offender?
2. Am I expecting my offender to address what hurts me the most, conveying their regret?
3. Is there a specific action I expect from my offender before I can feel safe and heard?
4. What Apology Language is most important to me when I apologize?

You might want to hear more than one of the Apology Languages to feel satisfied. I know, I do. I appreciate hearing Language #2 “Expressing Regret” and Language #3 “Making Restitution” when someone, especially my spouse, apologizes.

If you express and hear the appropriate apology language, you and your spouse will move more quickly toward healing your wounds and regaining emotional closeness. It will help you bridge the gap caused by offenses and cumulative hurts.

I encourage you to get the book and discuss this important aspect of good communication with your spouse today!

“He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” Proverbs 28:13

What about you? Which of the languages do you feel you most need to hear?

What makes that language important to you?