I felt like I had no control over the pain I was experiencing—especially at the hands of my husband. I felt like a helpless victim tied to the proverbial train tracks while my husband was the locomotive, barreling down the tracks and aiming right at me! I would pray for God to save me from this horrible, evil, no-good husband. But alas, God seemed to only stand on the sidelines, glibly watching me squirm.

What’s made the difference? It came when I realized that God didn’t want me to get run over by a train, but he did want me to have something of a wake-up call.

1. I was better or at least “less flawed” than my husband.
2. I was powerless to change the situation.
3. I was alone in the struggle.

I had slowly but surely given over my life to a victim-mentality. Don’t get me wrong. I had chosen this helpless stance as surely as I chose what outfit I wanted to wear each day or the breakfast that I wanted to eat.

• God revealed to me that my victim mentality was really born out of my pride. I felt that my actions in comparison to my husband’s weren’t as bad. The reality of whether they were or weren’t wasn’t the point. I’m sure there were times when he did act worse, but God wanted me to understand that I was just as guilty of sin and my husband’s sin was not blacker or uglier to God than my own sin.
• God woke me up to the fact that I could change myself. Every little attitude that I turned over to Christ, every little act of kindness or forgiveness I gave to my husband changed our “relating.” I lowered, not only my defenses with my husband, but also with God—allowing Christ to convict and change my heart. By doing so, I influenced my husband and my marriage for good, and in time, I began to see the fruits of my proactive and humble choices.
• I think that as long as I felt held hostage to my husband’s tyranny, I felt beyond God’s reach. One act of unbelief resulted in another. When I finally surrendered my fears and rested in God’s embrace, His presence filled the emptiness. I knew I wasn’t alone. And the funny thing is, when I felt God’s presence more, I also felt my husband coming alongside me more as well.

If you find yourself believing your spouse is “The Problem,” and you are not in an abusive relationship,* then first of all, please surrender your pride and fears to Christ. Second, consider reading It’s Not My Fault by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Even if you don’t have a victim mentality, this book will help you to know how to make proactive choices and changes in life.

In fact, if you comment on this post (and live within the continental U.S.), you’ll be entered into a chance to win a free copy of It’s Not My Fault. Oh, and consider becoming a follower too, if you don’t mind and aren’t one already.

I’ll be announcing the winner on Saturday (the 30th) afternoon or evening. So check back to see if you’ve won!

*This post is not speaking of an abusive relationship. If you are in an abusive relationship, then don’t wait another day, please seek the help of a professional counselor.

Photo credit by Lachlan (Flickr)

and