I took an anatomy class in college.

In the words made famous by “Pretty Woman,” Julia Roberts, “BIG MISTAKE. BIG. HUGE!”

What made this a mistake?

Well, it began when my lab partner and I had to skin a dead cat for dissection.

Gross!

We then had to familiarize ourselves so thoroughly with every in and out (organs, bones, muscles, nerves) of that sad cat that it caused formaldehyde-filled dreams for me at night! It was a class I never want to repeat, nor a sight and smell I ever want to experience again! Thankfully, I am long past my college days, taking classes I had no interest in to fulfill my degree requirements.

But that experience taught me something new, aside from skinning a cat. It revealed that every part of a living creature is intricately interrelated and intertwined. Unfortunately, doing an autopsy of sorts on a feline was what it took for me to realize that fundamental truth.

After all, Scripture alludes to this intricacy found in God’s masterpiece of the human form.

For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.^[a]
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 

Psalm 139:13-15 (ESV)

What if I performed an autopsy on the interconnectedness of bitterness in my heart and mind? 

I wonder what I would find.

If I could look into my heart and mind, could I trace the lines of anger and resentment back to a single word or incident that set the stage for an intricate cascade of interactions and reactions?

For example . . .

What if my husband said something I perceived as hurtful to me? Whether he meant it that way or not is not the issue nor important for my examination.

Here’s what I might discover:

• Maybe I would see a sarcastic or negative thought running through the synapses of my mind, where I’ve viewed my sardonic wit as a way to silently attack him in the recesses of my brain. Would it give me some sick satisfaction, fueling pride rather than perspective? Perhaps it would cause my initial anger to flow into deeper and darker places like poisonous water running toward the nearest crack and crevice.
• I might also see in my heart a time when I boldly retaliated, snapping back at my husband while rationalizing to myself that speaking harshly to him is helpful for him to recognize the truth in the jarring light of interrogation and accusation. But would that actually help him, opening his eyes? Or would it close his heart further? Close my heart further?
• If I looked deeper, would I see how I’ve stored up every offense in my memory bank and harassed heart, collecting volumes of “How My Husband’s Done Me Wrong,” keeping them there only to pull one out for whenever I want a “good read?” Would that library of loathing really help me be the best spouse I can be? Be the best at forgiving like Christ forgave me?

Let’s be honest and realistic. We both know that all these choices would move the original angry thought on to a resentful rumination within my heart and mind, threatening to grow more pervasive and cancerous by the day.

If I looked at my bitter heart and mind the next day, I would likely see myself doing the same things. Whenever my husband does something I “perceive” to be against me, I reach back to that resentful feeling, babying it like a precious pet, pulling it out to stroke it, embrace it, and feed it all over again.

At that point, what was once only an angry thought would progress quickly toward deep-seated contempt. I would start to feel a stronger and more powerful emotional high, which would take me further toward trouble. It would connect my heart and mind to the notion that my husband is a villain. That, at least, he is a bigger villain in my life than I am! Self-righteousness would bloom.

Day would go into day, and if I did not intervene into the interconnected and intertwining nature of this hateful perspective and practice, my heart would become immersed in and hardened by bitterness.

Sure, my spouse might say hurtful things to me occasionally. For some of you, that might be a daily or even constant barrage of hate. So, is it normal for you and me to feel hurt and angry by harsh and uncaring words and actions slung at us?

Yes. It is very normal and completely human.

After all, Paul says not all anger is sinful, “Be angry and do not sin . . .” (Ephesians 4:26a ESV). 

However, before we sink into our easy chair of entitlement and self-protection, we must ask ourselves questions like these:

• Is it wise to keep this toxic pattern flowing and growing?
• Is it compassionate and Christlike to remain a resentful spouse and person?

You and I have a choice whenever we feel offended by someone. We can stop the flow of one angry thought at any point, radically halting the progression of anger that works to corrupt and harden our hearts in life and marriage.

Christ alone gives us the power to intervene—to turn anger, resentment, contempt, and bitterness into forgiveness, mercy, and love.

The next time you notice that little twinge of hurt or anger flashing across your mind and heart, ask Christ to intervene with His powerful love and strength, enabling you to extend grace and forgive your spouse.

If this seems impossible, meditate on the forgiveness you’ve received from Christ as a believer.

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; (Luke 6:37 ESV).

If you truly understand the gravity of Christ’s sacrifice, I know you’ll want to immediately extend that same forgiveness to your spouse or others who offend. And don’t forget, Jesus does not expect you to remain a victim to repeated offensive words and actions. Consider His words . . .

Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him” (Luke 17:3-4 ESV).

Christ gives you the right to communicate your hurt and set boundaries with an offender. But, when these tactics and truths fail, as a believer, you are still obligated by Christ to forgive because Christ has forgiven you of all your sins. Jesus paid the debt for you, so you must not let your heart grow cold and hard against any offender.

Does this mean you must reconcile with a repeated and unrepentant offender?  Not exactly, but that’s a topic and answer for another day!  😉

For today, make these truths and principles your aim . . .

“Make sure that no one misses out on God’s grace. Make sure that no root of bitterness grows up that might cause trouble and pollute many people.” Hebrews 12:15 (CEB)

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV)

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What would examining your heart toward your offender reveal?

How would allowing your heart to grow more corrupt by the angry ruminations you cling to improve your life?