Today’s article is a response to the “Share Your Story” post from last month. The writer wishes to remain anonymous, but I thank her for her authenticity here just the same!

I’ve been learning lately that conflict and pain can be used to deepen my character and grow my relationship with God. 

But I often choose the easier way.

Eleven years ago I married a fun loving and caring man who was also a recovering drug addict. Being sober for some time and ministering to other addicts, four years into our marriage my husband ended up turning back to drugs and rage to cope with life. From the beginning I always felt like I needed to be the dutiful wife and one would think I would now no longer need to uphold that image of a wife …

But I did. 

For the next six years that followed, I gauged his moods, held feelings in, made excuses for him, and took on more responsibilities with the home and kids. But underneath, I lived as the victim and rationalized my own sins. I complained endlessly to close friends, fantasized about what my life would be like with someone else, and felt jealous of other people’s families. 

I always knew I struggled with codependency (revolving my life around him and his problems), but it wasn’t until recently I realized how it was destroying my soul and the relationships that matter most to me. The realization came when I learned from a neighbor that a month earlier he had an altercation with someone in the neighborhood that could have landed him in jail.

The situation was the last straw. 

All of my pent up anger emerged from within and I told him things had to change or I was going to give up. I had no more energy to keep up an appearance or make things work. So I packed my bags, took the kids, and spent the night at my sister’s house. I wanted to stay away indefinitely, …

Through the Spirit and the counsel of godly friends, I went home and committed to work things out within myself before making any big decisions.

This was God’s mercy and the beginning of something different than before. I knew I was at the end of my rope in our marriage but then began to feel at the end of the rope with myself. As I looked at the role I played in the marriage, I saw how I perpetuated the unhealthy patterns by …

Being more desperate for him to change than desperate for God.  By accommodating him and holding things in, I was being self-centered, not God-centered like I thought.

Seeing how much I needed to grow was humbling. The first area that I saw was and is a need to be honest with where I’m at, every day. This involves pausing to spend time processing emotions before God, especially anger and hurt instead of denying them. Second, I also needed to start pursuing a real relationship with my husband, like sharing feelings and struggles vulnerably, apologizing when I’m wrong, forgiving and addressing issues without being afraid of conflict.

The recent ordeal and hopelessness about my own struggles has become a blessing in disguise because I am forced to look to God for help, security and joy.  I see God teaching me how to love authentically. My expectations are more realistic these days. I’m beginning to share more honestly, and have stopped trying to fix him and be a know-it-all.

I just feel less confident in myself and more dependent on God. And despite it still being difficult, my husband is willing to join me in taking personal responsibility as we work on our marriage together.

So rather than choosing to be a victim, today I give thanks for these struggles that draw me closer to Him.

Photo credit by Charadactyl (Flickr)