Recently I wrote a post, “Letting a Busy Schedule Come Before Your Marriage,” and I promised to give you more tips on how to draw your hesitant husband into more quality connection time with you. So here are my thoughts …

If your husband is hesitant, you’re not alone. It’s a very common problem for couples.

First of all, you can’t force him to spend time with you. If he’s resistant, coming across as forceful in any way will probably make him dig his heels in further.

You know the analogy, “Women are like crockpots and men are like microwaves when it comes to sex”? Well … men are like crockpots and women are like microwaves when it comes to conversation.

So this means you should start to engage him slowly. In fact, make a point of asking him one question at an optimal time every day, but then really listen to his answer! Don’t immediately think about how his answer makes you feel.

Instead, stop and ask him a second question like, “What made that so ________ for you?” And when he answers that question, say something like, “Tell me more.”

If you consistently engage your husband in this kind of conversation (actually a listening exercise) for a few weeks, then he’ll probably feel closer to you, and won’t feel so threatened at the thought of setting aside a particular time to “connect.” In fact, even though my husband and I have called our connection time, “Talk Time,” you may not want to be so direct about that aspect with your “hesitant husband.”

In approaching him to set aside a specific time, tell him in a loving and respectful way how sharing some connection time with him would make you feel. Make sure not to blame or shame him for being hesitant! He needs to be wooed by your kind interest in him and your willingness to listen.

In order to put your hesitant husband further at ease, consider using a book of random questions as your conversation starter. Here are two books we’ve found helpful, Love Talk Starters and The Complete Book of Questions. You might want to give your husband the book first, to ask you a question or two, then do the same for him. Reassure him that either of you can ask for another question, if you don’t like a particular question.

You could also suggest limiting this connection time to a trial of 3 or 4 weeks in a row, so that he doesn’t feel that he’s committing to conversing into infinity! But he’ll probably enjoy the connection time as much as you do, if you keep it positive and focus on really listening to his heart.

You may be saying to yourself, “But this sounds like it’s all about my husband—and I’ve been starved for an opportunity to share my thoughts and my feelings with my husband!”

And you would be right and wrong.

Inviting and encouraging a hesitant husband into your world simply means making him the guest of honor. But just as the verse Luke 6:38 reminds us,