Written by Heather Copple
Messy Marriage Team Member
A little background…
I have been married to my husband, Scott for over 15 years. We are brutally honest with each other and that can be painful. We enjoy each other mentally, spiritually and physically.
One mess in our marriage . . . we have different libidos.
In the beginning of our marriage, life was awesome. As time past, we started noticing our differences in how often we wanted to have sex. At first it didn’t hurt so much to be told “no” about sex, but after a while the rejection began to hurt. I kept quiet about this hurt, not once talking to him about it. I tried to just brush off the hurt—but it snowballed.
Soon, I was frustrated and angry that Scott would reject me. Mind what I just wrote, “reject me.” I felt that he was rejecting me—all of me. The pain that I felt got bigger and more vengeful. I decided to reject Scott, so I shut him out—which caused more stress in our marriage.
I felt that I wasn’t a good wife because God reminded me that I should be submitting to my husband as it says to in Ephesians 5: 22. I argued back that Scott was not being a good husband by not doing his marital duty and honoring the fact that his body was mine, as it says in 1 Corinthians 7: 3-4. God reminded me to confess my sins, my feelings to Scott, as it says in James 5: 16. I was reminded that I should be kindhearted and loving to Scott.
I argued with God for a long time. My actions caused me great pain. I hated the separation from Scott.
I finally expressed all the pain and anger I felt to Scott, feeling that he was rejecting me and rejecting me so easily. He was shocked and disappointed at my confession. He explained how he was not rejecting me.
In our many discussions, Scott reassured that he loved me very much but just had a different sex drive. He also bolstered my self-esteem and self-confidence because he made it clear that he saw me as beautiful and desirable. This comfort from Scott helped me to remember he was not rejecting me. And he would remember to be a little gentler in his denial and remind me that I was still loved.
We worked out a way for us to get through these moments when they would arise again. We have come to a compromise that we both feel good about by having less sex than I want but a little more than Scott wants. We meet in the middle! Ha!
Marriage is many things and sex is a very important part. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 tells some of what should and should not be in marriage. Love, patience, kindness, and truth should be in a marriage. Pride, arrogance, resentfulness and a no-compromise attitude should not.
I have never cheated or even thought of it. My covenant with Scott and God are too valuable to break. I know some think that a lack of sex is a good excuse for adultery, but God says “no, not under any circumstances.”
We may not like to hear the word “no” when it is being used against us, whether it’s from God or our spouse. But I would rather embrace the truth and honor it, than carry the mark of betrayer to that sacred vow and lose my integrity in the eyes of God and my spouse.
I would rather work out my marriage mess with Scott.
Do I still get hurt when Scott tells me no? Sure! But I do not let it escalate. I talk to Scott and God and they get me through it every time!
Heather has been married to Scott, the love of her life for 15 years. God has blessed them with a son (12) and a daughter (9). They’ve lived in Edwardsville, Illinois since 1992.
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