3 Steps to Take When You Find Your Spouse Looking at Porn

I want to respond to a recent comment given regarding the use of porn. I will be addressing it from the perspective of a wife who has caught her husband looking at porn. 

First of all, this is such a complex issue that I feel I cannot fully address it in any depth on a blog post. But I do have some helpful principles…
Step One: Consider the Severity of Your Spouse’s Problem
This means don’t panic, nor should you sweep it under the rug. There are many books that will help you to take a serious look at sex and porn addiction. I will list some of the one’s I have found helpful at the end of this post. 
There are also many websites that are helpful. One site gives specific signs you can look for, so click here to find it. Another site that provides, not only a place of Christian-based ministry and rehabilitation, but also many free resources for both the addict and the spouse is: Pure Life Ministries
Make a point to study and explore as many resources as you can, so that you do not jump to conclusions that will shut down your spouse’s openness to deal with his problem.
Step Two: Surrender Your Spouse to God
You will never be able to change your spouse. The only one who can do that is God. The sooner you realize this and hand off the problem to God, the better it will go for you and your spouse. 
This will need to be a moment by moment practice. You will constantly grapple with fear and the desire to push your spouse to change. But you can influence him by the peace and confidence you place in God. He will want that same peace in his own life as you live it out before him. That’s the kind of motivation that God can use to bring healing into his life.
Step Three: Find Support
Check with your local churches for support and recovery groups. Many churches have confidential groups that address these kinds of issues. You could also join a COSA group (codependent of sex addict). Click on this link to investigate one in my area: St. Louis COSA. Of course, there are COSA chapters all over the US.
You might also want to find a good counselor, and my preference is to find a good Christian counselor. If you would like a referral list from my area, please go to my contact page to find my email address. 
You might also want to find a trusted same sex Christian friend to share your burden with on a regular basis. This does not mean you come together to complain, but rather to ask your friend to help you find perspective and understanding in all of this. Or, instead of talking, you could simply meet to pray about the situation together. But whatever you do, do not go through this alone. The weight of this problem is too heavy for you to carry by yourself!
Here’s my list of books on sex or porn addiction that are from a Christian perspective and that I’ve found to be very helpful. You can click on any of them and they will go directly to Amazon for further details:
Please know that my prayers are with those of you who struggle in this way. You may feel all alone, but you’d be surprised how many people struggle in this way.

2 responses to “3 Steps to Take When You Find Your Spouse Looking at Porn”

  1. Thanks for the resource! I probably will have a future post for men (and women) caught in the web of pornography and will use this link at that time.


  2. Jeanettelevellie Avatar

    Thank you, Beth. A close friend in another state is dealing with this in her marriage, and she has small children to consider, so Is really upset. I will send her the link to this post. Blessings, Jen


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