I grew up in a home where apologies were rarely extended or witnessed. We were a loving bunch, but somehow this important practice of acknowledging our sins and apologizing to each other was never clearly present, at least not in my view.

Unfortunately, that also became true for my marriage in the early days. Gary {my hubby} was more likely the one to apologize, if there ever was one. But eventually, God woke me up to the necessity for this cleansing practice—and now I’m hooked!

I feel like most people are like me. They didn’t have good examples of admitting guilt and/or apologizing. The survey I’ve been conducting with men in relationships is bearing this out. So far it seems that the number one factor for not knowing how to communicate in marriage is or was a lack of good role-models. {Please click here if you’re a man who’s interested in taking the survey!}

Where do you begin?

• Recognize and embrace that every person makes mistakes and sins.
  The more you normalize this reality and take away the “stigma of shame” about the failures and hurts you may cause in marriage, the better and quicker you’ll be able to own your offensive behavior.
• Ask for God’s help moment-by-moment.
  As soon as you feel tension in your situation, pray and ask God to show you your part. Then humbly accept that truth by confessing to God, and then to your mate.
• Find friends who are open and vulnerable about their faults.
  If you hope to make this your new lifestyle and culture in marriage, then you’ll need to surround yourself with friends who can support you, pray for you in this, and hold you accountable for being honest, humble and confessional.

How do you express an apology?

There’s a great book on the different types of apologies that we gravitate toward and value, called When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Dr. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas. Like the “Love Languages” that Dr. Chapman developed, not every person has the same “Apology Language” either.

Click the link to the Love Language website to find out what you and your spouse’s apology languages are. I’m also providing an Apology Language Template that you both can use the next time you need to communicate your spouse’s preferred apology language.

When do you apologize?

If you are able to calmly and respectfully communicate an apology during a conflict, then more power to you! Pull out that template and share what needs to be said—yes, that means “reading it” to your mate! {Keep it in a “cloud” or “note app” of some kind, or simply print it out and have it handy wherever you are!}

I’ve found that in the heat of the moment my apologies often come out forced or tinged with bitterness. Typically, I need a bit of cooling down and processing before I can sincerely offer one—unless it is over minor matters and my “Amygdala” has not gotten hijacked!*  {Yep! That’s a real phenomenon!} It might be that you need that time as well, but don’t let it linger! Otherwise, you might just chicken out!

And always remember . . .

[bctt tweet=”Making sure that hurts are dealt with quickly through apologizing, ensures a soft heart and a healthy marriage. #marriage #conflict #apologize” username=”BethSteffaniak”]

“Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” ~Proverbs 28:13 (NIV)

Did you get your apology profile? If so, what was your preferred apology language?

Why do you think it’s important to take the apology preferences of your mate into consideration?

*Click on the link if you’d like to read more about the phenomenon of an “Amygdala Hijack.”

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