WORTHY Bible Studies

Where Scripture, Life, and Marriage Meet

Will you validate how I feel? Video

Today I’m continuing the conversation on the difficulty of receiving your spouse’s hurt. For me, I’ve discovered that I have a faulty belief that interferes and hinders my ability to validate my spouse in those moments. I’d love it if you’d take 3+ minutes out of your day to check it out!

Are there any other faulty beliefs that run through your mind in times of conflict with your spouse?

How has validating your spouse in times of conflict positively impacted your marriage?

Linking up with – Marriage Mondays, Making Your Home Sing Monday, Sunday Stillness, Sharing His Beauty and Playdates with God

BethSteffaniak

November 2, 2014

Acceptance, Anger, Avoidance, Bonding, Confrontation, False Beliefs, Listening Skills, Respect, Sloppy Joe Time Video, Validation, Vulnerability

Communication, Conflict, Faulty Beliefs, Listening Skills, Validation

12 responses to “Will you validate how I feel? Video”

Linda

November 2, 2014 at 2:02 pm

Well, Beth, it sure makes sense if this is one of the things I long for most, myself, and the gift I work hard to give my counseling clients, that this gift is one I should give my spouse. To look someone in the eye and say, ‘yes, yes, I hear you well, you are understood by me, I get where you’re coming from.’

How priceless is this. What a bridge builder. And that, like you said, is often all that’s needed.

Pure and simple.

Why do we make this so hard?

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1. Beth
  
  November 3, 2014 at 7:25 pm
  
  That’s a great way to look at it, Linda. I feel like such a great listener when I’m dealing with my clients and my friends, but when it comes to my husband … well, my ears start to burn and smoke billows out! ha! Maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but I do know that if there’s one person who can get me all riled up, it’s my man! 😉 Thanks so much for being my video buddy on these lazy Sunday afternoons!
  
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Bluecottonmemory

November 3, 2014 at 8:15 am

I needed to hear this – that validating does not mean giving up your truth. I need to be more understanding like that, need to be less defensive! Good, meaty advice, Beth!

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1. Beth
  
  November 3, 2014 at 7:33 pm
  
  Thanks so much, Maryleigh. I think those of us who have a high value of truth (spiritual gifts of prophesy, exhortation and teaching, etc.) are often the ones who let our need for “splitting hairs” become the focus rather than our spouse’s hearts. I appreciate your willingness to admit that you struggle in this way. It helps me to not feel so alone, my friend! Hugs to you!
  
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Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

November 3, 2014 at 9:21 am

Very good truths here.

Another factor to consider is that there may be other issues which impede a spouse’s ability to truly listen. Dyslexia is one; many individuals thus afflicted have been subjected to years of condescension, if not outright ridicule. As a result, they have acquired the attitude in relationships that they simply cannot be wrong.

There is an explanation or excuse for every misstep, and avoiding blame becomes something of a survival skill.

It’s terribly hard to live with until one realizes the root of the problem,; after that, “to understand all is to forgive all”.

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1. Beth
  
  November 3, 2014 at 7:36 pm
  
  I’d have to say that Adult ADD is also among those issues that impact this skill, Andrew. My husband and one of my sons has been diagnosed with ADD and ADHD. This makes it very hard for them to stay focused on the topic at hand, because invariably there’s something distracting them–whether it’s an obnoxious sound or a scattered thought. Thanks for reminding us that there are many variables for this issue and we need to extend grace when our spouses don’t know how or simply are unable to validate us.
  
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andrea

November 3, 2014 at 10:09 am

This is exactly what I need when I am hurt!! I just want to be heard and my husband to understand that I am not saying what he did was right or wrong but that my feelings were hurt. Thanks for putting it into words Beth!

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1. Beth
  
  November 3, 2014 at 7:38 pm
  
  You’re quite welcome, Andrea! It’s definitely something we ALL want but have such a hard time giving when we need to extend it to our mates. It takes eating a lot of that nasty tasting “humble pie!” But I will say this, the more you eat the humble pie, the easier it is to go down. 🙂
  
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Donna from Holimess

November 3, 2014 at 10:59 am

Great insight here. We need to acknowledge our part in the feelings of our husband. We are his rib, designed by God to protect his heart.
I really enjoyed your video. I especially enjoyed the captions underneath. Good job.

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1. Beth
  
  November 3, 2014 at 7:40 pm
  
  Thanks so much for coming by, encouraging me and adding to the discussion, Donna!
  
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Lisa notes

November 3, 2014 at 11:42 am

Ouch. I too often go into defensive mode myself. It definitely keeps me from taking responsibility for the pain I cause. I want to be better about validating other’s feelings, even when I don’t think they’re “right.” Everyone wants to be heard. Thanks for this, Beth!

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1. Beth
  
  November 3, 2014 at 7:46 pm
  
  Yes, that’s so true. We all want to be heard. Whenever I see one person trying to explain and explain her feelings to her spouse, I feel like she simply wants to be heard but isn’t sure she’s breaking through. And the spouse of that person who is going on and on is probably thinking, “Why are you going on and on?!” Little does he realize that his attempt to hurry her along or shut her down are only adding fuel to the fire! It feels counterintuitive to receive or connect, but that’s exactly what is needed in those moments. Thanks for your continued support and encouragement to me, Lisa. I truly appreciate you! 🙂
  
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