Today in our forgiveness series I’m discussing, “How an offender can maintain perspective and humility, so that reoffending is avoided and diminished, and change is achieved.”

I sometimes I don’t realize how my offending behavior hurts my spouse and seeing this is crucial to honoring his boundaries and avoiding reoffending him.

Here are some reasons why I’m blind to my offensive behavior …

• Typically, I feel justified in whatever I’ve done to offend him, so it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around the degree of pain he felt.
• I’m hurting, stressed or tired and don’t understand the way I’m coming across.
• I’ve let anger simmer regarding a particular issue and very quickly that anger turns to pride and pride blinds me to my guilt and offensiveness.
• The offending words that come out of my mouth don’t feel the same to me as they do being hurled at my husband. {I’ll be sharing more on this soon!}
• I’ve allowed bitterness to numb my heart toward my husband and God.

Since, in our forgiveness series, I’m addressing reconciliation or the breaking of a long-standing offense, I want to own up to the fact that …

I struggle way too often with pride. Gulp!

I hate to admit this, but then, that’s because it hurts my “pride!”

Sure, there are many “less ugly” feelings and flaws in me that are related to my pride like anxiety; guilt, mistrust, inferiority, bitterness, even my limited human awareness. But in reality, these less-ugly feelings/flaws distract me from the destructiveness of my pride and how it keeps me locked in a habit of reoffending.

That’s why I believe pride {in any and all of us} must be pulled out and transplanted with an attitude of humility, if we ever hope to avoid or diminish reoffending and see change bloom!

I was reading recently this verse, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” {James 4:6 NIV} and it struck me that grace is a “gift” from God, but humility is something we must develop or plant in our hearts.

If we look further at James 4:7-10 and we’ll see 6 major ingredients that are necessary to purge our pride and plant seeds of humility in our lives and marriages …

• Submit to God – Am I daily letting go of my fear and pride? Am I seeking God’s glory instead of my own?
• Resist the devil – Am I avoiding tempting situations? Am I recognizing and taking captive Satan’s lies about my negative attitude?
• Come near to God – Am I clinging to God when I want to lash out or when I want to justify my sins? If I am clinging to Him, I am convicted and have the ability to repent and change!
• Purify our hearts – Am I releasing any bitterness I’ve held? Am I recognizing my sin and God’s mercy of my sinfulness? Am I filling my mind with God’s Word and Truth?
• Grieve deeply for our sins against God and others – Am I truly sorry or “grief-stricken” for how I’ve hurt my spouse? Am I demonstrating a true change with godly, proactive, and healthy behaviors and attitudes toward my mate?
• Repent or change our ways – Am I making consistent and visible changes? Am I letting my spouse {offended one} decide what is acceptable and needed from me?

If I {or “we”} do these things, I believe God will give us insight and perspective into our spouse’s world. If we do these things, humility will produce the fragrant flower of repentance and change that seems so hard to find when we’re clinging to our pride and fear.

There are other sins that interfere with our ability to change and avoid reoffending besides pride, so …

What other attitude has hindered your efforts to avoid reoffending your spouse?

What has helped you most to respect and honor the boundaries your spouse has set with you?

Next week we’ll focus on how the offended spouse can let go of anger in the reconciliation process and learn to trust again.

Click on the link to go directly to the previous post in the forgiveness series – Amends – What Do They Look Like?

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