Level One – “Bad”  …

You feel like a “nobody”—unimportant. 

Level Two – “Worse” …

You feel like you don’t know who you are.

Level Three – “Worst” …

You want to disappear.

Very often in messy marriages, one or sometimes both people feel one of these ways. I think I’ve visited all three of these levels at one time or another in my life and marriage. Perhaps you find yourself falling into one or more of these categories …

Well, it didn’t happen overnight, so it certainly won’t be fixed by the time you finish reading this post! But here are some important tasks to add to your already long Christmas “To-Do List” …

This means you need to get specific about what you’re feeling. Don’t just say to yourself, “Well, I’m feeling sad” and let that be it. Explore whether you’re feeling depression, grief, even perhaps anger, etc. In fact, you may be feeling several feelings. That’s often the case. But then go on to ask yourself “Why am I feeling this way?”

Do this when the feeling happens, if you can express it appropriately. But if you can’t, then turn to God to help you sort through the pain—finding comfort and perspective as you lean into Him.

Yes, just the simple act of setting boundaries can help define who you are. Each time you do it, you not only help others to understand who you are, you help yourself to feel more aware and confident in who you are separate from them.

The best way to do this is by making a list. Writing it down makes the realities you explore about yourself more obvious and concrete. List everything that makes you unique—even weird! List the things that you won’t put up with or want to avoid. Boil it down to the convictions you have about life, God, and relationships, perhaps making it into a mission statement for your life. Then review it regularly.

You may not feel like you have either of those things, if you’re truly “missing in action.” But there is something you enjoy. Intentionally spend time doing whatever that is regularly.

Just remember the old adage, “If you try to please everyone, you’ll end up pleasing no one.” It saps the lifeblood out of relationships, as well as, your healthy sense of self.

If you are a believer, then the God of the universe has chosen you, indwells you and loves you with His life.

You might not think that all of this is important, but let me remind you of some of the consequences of losing yourself …

On a personal level, it can lead to everything from eating disorders to addictions. Relationally, it often leads to a lack of empathy, communication problems and little or no intimacy.

I didn’t think so!

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:13-14 (NIV)